The Marauders vs Hollywood
by Obsidian Sage
Summary: Ingredients: 4 Marauders, box of SugarQuills, an old couple & the PoA film. Steps: Get the Marauders into an empty cinema. Add an old couple. Start the film and let simmer. Break out the Sugar Quills. Enjoy. Warning: Don't drink and read at the same time.
1. Getting in is the Hard Part

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE. PLEASE READ.**

Alright, first things first.

If you were in FF around the years 2003-2005 you might remember a story called "The Art of the Silver Screen". Others might not. Anywho… the story was abandoned years ago, but I managed to save the first chapters (yes, I liked it so much I actually began saving it so I could read it over and over). However, the story disappeared from the site before I could save all of the author's progress.

Those chapters have been sitting for ages in my hard disk. I looked and looked through the Internet for a couple of years and I could never find the story again to see if it had ever been completed, never mind the author. And then I had an idea… why not adopt the story? And so around 2006 I renamed the story "The Marauders vs. Hollywood", revised what was written, and began writing after the bits and pieces I had saved until what I wrote exceeded the amount of text I had saved. Eventually, I began posting my version in some HP forums. The story was a success in all of them, but I could never bring myself to post it in FF, until one of my readers brought to my attention that they'd found my version of the story posted here by someone else. I cannot explain what I felt… I was annoyed and angry, but I was also very impressed that apparently I'd matched the original author's style and that my version of the story was worth copying as well. It was a bittersweet experience.

I'm telling you this in honour of the original author, of course. Most of the credit should go to him/her since it was their idea in the first place. I am but a fellow author who couldn't see such a good story go. I also hope the readers who were following my version of the story in FF can find their way back and continue to enjoy my rendition.

And so, without further ado, I bring it back to you.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **The situations and characters in the HP series belong to me as much as Microsoft belongs to Napoleon Bonaparte. The very first chapters of "The Marauders vs. Hollywood" belong to the author of "The Art of the Silver Screen".

_**Bold and Italics: quotes from the actual film.**_

* * *

Chapter 1 – Getting in is the Hard Part

* * *

"Four tickets for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban please," fifteen year-old Peter Petigrew squeaked through the glass.

"I'm sorry sir, that film is only open to over 12's," the young female cinema attendant replied. Peter was about to squeak a reply when Sirius Black sauntered over.

"It's okay," he replied flashing a smile to the attendant who came over in a sudden fit of giggles. "He's with me."

"Of Course, sir," she smiled, flicking her hair and handing him the tickets. "Sorry about that, that'll be £15.60."

Being the only one of the group who could count in muggle money, James Potter slipped Sirius a few notes and coins from behind. Sirius handed the money over with a wink.

"So, do you come here often?" Sirius asked exchanging the money for the tickets.

Remus Lupin elbowed him. "Stop flirting with the muggles!" he hissed, so that no one else could hear.

"Sorry," Sirius hissed back. "Couldn't help myself," he grinned sheepishly flashing a parting wink to the female attendant and moving into the cinema.

"You never can."

Sirius shrugged, examining the tickets. "Hey if it wasn't for my charms we would still be trying to get in."

"I can't believe you don't pass for twelve," James said laughing and shaking his head at Peter.

Peter was about to retaliate but Sirius spared them from a confrontation. "So?" he asked. "Where do we go now then?"

Remus pointed to the screen entrance but Peter had spotted the popcorn stand and dragged them over for sweets.

"Ooh I'm starting to like this place!" he said, a greedy smile spreading over his face.

"Have we got enough money?" James frowned, checking his pockets.

"Sure we have," Peter moaned. "I want some of that stuff!"

"What, that yellow stuff?" Remus asked, eyeing the food with distaste. "Looks a bit weird to me."

"Give me five minutes," Sirius grinned, spotting the popcorn seller was female.

James, Remus and Peter stood shaking their heads as Sirius strutted up to the counter. They laughed as he started to engage the popcorn girl in conversation; the girl eyed him hopefully and started to laugh.

"I don't know how he does it?" Peter moaned, watching as Sirius returned from the counter carrying four large bags of popcorn, which he had gotten for free.

"It's a skill Peter, you are born with it, it cannot be taught," Sirius winked mischievously.

"You are the most arrogant person I know Sirius Black," James concluded, laughing.

"Look do you want this stuff or not?" he asked, holding out the popcorn. "'Cos you're going the wrong way about it."

Peter whimpered and grabbed the popcorn from Sirius' hand.

"Okay are we ready?" James asked everyone.

The group nodded in reply as James led then through the doors into a small dark room filled with seats.

"Wow, where do we sit?" Sirius asked, being pureblood he had never been to the cinema before.

"Yes," James smiled. "We're the only ones here!"

"Take your pick gentlemen," Remus smirked, leading them up to the back row where they sat in the middle.

"So?" Peter asked. "What happens now?"

"Hey, these seats are pretty comfy!" Sirius laughed, taking off his shoes and putting his feet up on the chair in front. "I could get used to this."

Peter was tentatively trying his popcorn. "Hey, this stuff's not bad."

Remus looked at his packet uncertainly and took a small handful. "Eww it's like..." he put some in his mouth, "…a sweet buttery heaven!"

"Hey, let me try some!"

"Wow, it's like happiness in a packet!"

"I think I like this place."

Suddenly all the lights started to dim and an image flashed up on the screen in front of them.

"Ooooohhhh, kinda spooky."

"How do they do that!" Peter asked, apparently awe-struck.

"Shut up, the film's starting!"

'_**Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban'**_ beamed at them from the large silver screen.

"Well," Sirius commented lightly. "This is going to be interesting…"

Sirius laughed as Harry's picture flashed up on the screen. "Wow looks like someone came out the wrong end of the Potter gene pool."

"Hey, he looks nothing like me," James answered, eyeing the screen with distaste.

"Well he is supposed to be your son," Peter grunted, still stuffing his face with popcorn.

"Maybe Lily had a little fun with the ice-cream man down the road if you know what I mean," Remus commented lightly, still laughing at the screen.

James hit him over the head and continued to watch the film. "Wow, that chick is ugly!" he wailed.

"James, that's supposed to be Lily's sister."

"But, it can't be, I mean come on Lily is hot! She's well…not."

"You think she's bad, check out this walrus lady."

Aunt Marge had just walked into the kitchen and was now bullying Harry over dinner.

"Mini Prongs versus Walrus Lady round one ding, ding," Sirius laughed.

"Not offence James but your son is a bit of a doormat, why isn't he standing up for himself?"

"Probably scared she's gonna sit on him."

They laughed and proceeded to watch as the argument unfolded over dinner in the Dursley household.

"_**So what was it the boy's father done again Petunia?"**_

"_**Unemployed."**_

"_**Yes I suspected as much, a lousy drunk too I expect.**_**" **

"You have no idea!" Remus sniggered at the screen.

"I am not a drunk!" James wailed, an old couple up the back that the Marauders had not noticed looked at him concernedly.

"What did you do last Saturday night then, Prongs?"

"That was one time, Wormtail! One time does not turn me into a drunk!"

"_**Don't blame yourself for the way the boys' turned out Petunia. It's bad blood it is, you see it all the time with dogs, if there's something wrong with the bitch then there's something wrong with the pup."**_

Sirius and Remus had to grab James' arms and hold him down in his seat as he attempted to pick a fight with the screen.

"James, calm down, it's just a film!"

"Calling Lily a bitch," he muttered to himself, sinking back into his seat. "Say that to my face and I'll come and kick your fat walrus arse."

Satisfied that James was not going to attack anyone, Sirius and Remus let him go and continued to watch the film. Most unfortunately Harry seemed to be thinking along those same lines.

"_**Shut Up! Shut Up!"**_

"Wow, a well-chosen comeback my friend, someone insults your family, you tell them to shut up."

"Shut up Sirius, that's my 'son' you're talking about."

"You know he sort of bares a resemblance to Wormtail here."

"Oh great! Thank you for that lovely image, Lily and Peter, nice."

Peter huffed in his seat as the other three boys laughed. Suddenly, Aunt Marge started to inflate like a grotesque balloon.

"Now there's a useful talent!"

"Bet you wish you could do that."

"That has officially put me off my popcorn," Remus grimaced, handing his unfinished packet to Peter.

"_**MARGE NO!"**_

"_**Don't let go! Don't you Dare!"**_

Uncle Vernon dropped back to the ground and Aunt Marge floated skywards as Harry just stood and watched.

"I can fly high, like the wind, reaching the impossible!" Sirius sang as the others looked at him.

"_**You Put Her Back, You Put Her Back Right Now!"**_

"_**No! she got what she deserved!"**_

Harry stormed out of the house with his case and wand and into the darkness outside.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Harry has left the building!"

"Whoa, getting a bit rebellious isn't he?"

"Sirius, you ran away from home at that age!"

"Oh yeah, so I did."

"Well, the world is his oyster, he's just escaped and he can go anywhere he wants, so he goes to a play park."

"Your son has issues, Prongs."

"Oh so he's my son now!"

The others laughed.

Harry was sitting in the play park, staring moodily into the distance when suddenly the swing behind him started to move, the sea-saw went up and down and the roundabout started to spin.

"The Haunted Play Park, may the power of Christ compel thee!"

"Shut up Sirius! Why is the park moving? What is the point!?"

"Wait…what's that?"

Out of the trees which Harry was staring into, a dark shadow loomed and out stepped a particularly scrawny looking black dog.

"Padfoot's grand entrance," Remus laughed sarcastically.

"That is supposed to be ME?"

"Good likeness."

"It looks like an overgrown rat! No offence Pete."

"None taken."

"Why am I growling like that? Do I have rabies or something?"

"Looks like you're about to go for Harry."

"He looks happy to see you right enough."

Harry backed away from the dog, wide eyed. He tripped over his case and fell backward onto the pavement, flinging his wand hand out to brake his fall.

"And the award for most dramatic and pointless fall goes to…. Mr. H. Potter, I don't believe it!"

The group laughed as a violently purple triple-decker bus appeared in front of Harry, nearly running him over.

"Wow, there's a coincidence if I ever saw one."

Stan the conductor stepped out of the bus and stated conversing with Harry.

"He's attractive."

"Must you comment on everyone and everything in this film?"

"Yes."

Harry shoved some coins into the conductors hand and was led onto the bus, Stan bent down to pick up Harry's luggage.

"He's a muscle man!" Sirius yelled as Stan made a bandy legged walk back onto the bus. "Woohoo!"

"_**Take it away Ernie!"**_

"_**Yeah, take it away Ern!"**_

James wailed as the shrunken head appeared on screen. "Dear God that thing is scary!"

"It's like Sevvie on a sugar high," whimpered Remus.

"Look Sirius!"

"I don't want to," Sirius moaned, hiding behind his popcorn.

"No, look, Sirius. It's you, well at least I think it is?"

Sirius snapped open his eyes to see the Stan holding up a paper with a rather evil looking person on the cover.

James and Remus burst out laughing.

"That's ME!?"

"Sirius, did you like, do something to make the director hate you or something?"

Sirius looked at the screen, the close up of 'his' face was laughing manically and looked like a grandpa on crack.

"Nice Look mate."

"Gary Oldman!"

"Wow, nice look."

"Gary Oldman!?"

Stan started to explain how Sirius had murdered Peter Pettigrew and was now an escaped convict, Peter gulped and Sirius winked at him.

James and Remus laughed as Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Sirius looked upset, "Do I really look like Gary Oldman?"

"You're the spitting image."

"Shut Up."

"You're his identical twin."

"Shut Up."

"You think you're bad though, I wonder what the rest of us will look like?" Remus pondered, watching the screen.

"Hey I've just had a thought."

"Its not often that happens," James answered sarcastically but Sirius had chosen to ignore him.

"If we're all in this film, do you think Sevvy is?"

"It wouldn't surprise me."

Sirius clapped his hands together gleefully. "Do you think I'm in Azkaban for murdering _him_?"

"No, It's me you murder," Peter whimpered.

"Damn, I wasted my innocence on you?" Sirius moaned, turning back to the screen where Harry was gazing thoughtfully at his reflection in the bus window.

"Hey look, he's admiring himself, It is James' son!"

The old couple up the back watched with a smirk at the messy haired boy with the glasses hit one of his friends and they all burst out laughing as their futures were laid out unknowingly before their eyes.


	2. The Leaky Cauldron?

Chapter 2 – The Leaky Cauldron?

* * *

"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round!"

"Sirius, shut up!" Peter moaned.

"Aw, Petey, you're just bitter cause I'm going to murder you! Come on sing with me! The mangled shrunken head shouts lots of crap, lots of crap, lots of crap…."

"Seriously, Pads, the bus has stopped now, Harry's getting off," James agreed.

"Exactly what is he going to the Leaky Cauldron for anyway?" Sirius asked, returning his attention back to the screen.

"Well, if you had been paying attention instead of singing…" Remus scolded, "He's going to get all the gold from Gringotts, make a run for it and become an outcast."

"James, your family is weird," Sirius answered.

"My family!" James scoffed, "At least my family don't behead house elf's and stick them up on the wall!"

"Ah touché."

"_**Ah Mr Potter, we were expecting you."**_

"ARGH!" the four boys shouted, staring as a hunchback appeared on the screen. After hiding behind their popcorn for a few seconds, the four marauders came to their senses and Peter let go of Remus' cloak, apologizing profusely.

"I'm sorry Moony, I got a fright and just grabbed the first thing I saw."

"That cloak was attached to my neck Wormtail," Remus breathed.

"Whoa, looks like Tom's really let himself go," James commented, as they returned their attentions to the film.

"Hey!" Sirius shouted to the screen, "Wrong film buddy! This is Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, Not The Hunchback Of Notre Dame!"

They watched as Tom led a very frightened looking Harry into the Leaky Cauldron. Well, I say led, more like grabbed his arm and forced him in.

"Hey! Hands Off My Son Hunchy!" James shouted.

"That can't be Tom! It must be an impostor!" Peter shouted.

"Calm down, Peter, that's the next film," Remus answered as Harry started to speak to Fudge.

"Why does Tom keep trying to offer food that Harry doesn't want?" Sirius asked.

"Trying to use up screen time," Remus answered. "Funny, how they have time for stupid things like that when they don't have time for anything that's actually IN the books."

"Welcome to the joys of Hollywood, Moony," Sirius said sarcastically, "where one minute your name's up in lights and the next your being played by Gary Oldman."

"Are you ever going to let that go?" James asked.

"Probably not! Gary Oldman I tell thee, that's like… a crime against humanity."

"Hey, at least your in the film, I'm dead!" James moaned.

"Think yourself lucky."

"_**You'll be glad to know that we found your aunt Marge and she is being…"**_

"…Taken away by the oompa-loompas to the squeezing room as we speak!" Sirius interrupted and the other three boys laughed.

"Isn't Harry getting into trouble for running away like that?" Peter squeaked worriedly.

"Apparently not. James, what is with your son, everyone loves him!" Sirius moaned.

"What can I say, takes after his father," James grinned.

"Suuuuure, look, even Tom loves Harry, he's manhandling him!" Remus interrupted.

"Look Hunchy!" James shouted to the screen, now suitable distracted, "I don't know what you think you're doing! Let My Son Go This Instant!"

"Look!" Sirius said in-between wails of laughter, "He's taking him up to the bedroom!"

"Aww thanks for that, Sirius," Remus moaned, covering his eyes. "You know I have a sensitive mind."

"_**Smart owl, Mr Potter, she arrived about five minutes after you did."**_

"Hey, do you think the owl is smarter than Tom?" Sirius asked.

"More than likely, hey, how is this for a theory, do you think Tom got ran over by the Knight Bus?" Peter asked.

"You're not so hot yourself Peter," Sirius replied cuttingly.

"And you are?"

"Of course I am," Sirius replied.

Remus and James had to haul Sirius back down into his seat when he proceeded to stand up and start singing 'I'm to sexy for my shirt'.

"Look Sirius! Your dance put Harry to sleep!" James laughed as Sirius smacked him over the head.

The scene changed to a view of the cleaning witch walking down the corridor; she knocked on a door and muttered "Housekeeping" the door flew open in a roar.

"Hey, that's like James in the morning!" Sirius shouted.

"_**I'll come back later."**_

"Well that was a pretty pointless scene", Remus commented.

Meanwhile, the scene switched back to Harry waking up to find many parcels for him.

"What the hell is that?" Peter asked, indicating what looked like a large furry paving slab.

"Your mother," Sirius said, not even paying attention to Peter and actually watching as the large furry thing started to snap at Harry and chase him around the room.

"Oh c'mon that's pathetic," James moaned. "Running away from a book, I'm almost ashamed of him!"

"Almost?"

"OK, I am, I'll admit it, My Son Is A PANSY!"

"Pansy Boy versus the furry book, round one ding ding ding!"

"You know…" Remus commented as Harry tried to lure the book out from under his bed with a shoe, "…I think this film is more about Harry fighting everything that moves than the actual storyline."

"You have a point. Come on son, kick that book's furry ass, do your father proud!" James shouted to the screen.

"Now I bet there's a sentence you never thought you'd say," Peter laughed.

Eventually, Harry managed to win his war over the book and made his was downstairs to be greeted by the sound of his two best friends arguing.

"Oh what are the chances of that!" Sirius shouted.

"_**You just keep that filthy fleabag away from Scabbers!"**_

"_**It's a cat Ron!"**_

"_**Oh hello Harry!"**_ Ron turned around cheerfully noticing his friend.

"_**Harry!"**_

"Oh my god," James moaned. "My son has groupies."

"I think they are his friends James," Remus answered.

"Strange friends," Sirius scoffed.

"I hate to break it to you, Padfoot, but we're hardly the most normal set of friends either!" Peter supplied.

"Just remember who kills you, Peter," Sirius replied with an evil glint in his eye, "…before you answer me back again." Remus and James burst out laughing.

Back to the film, Harry was being introduced to all the members of the Weasley family.

"Whoa!" James laughed, staring at the Weasleys'. "Their heads shine with the light of a thousand suns."

"Hey, James?" Remus asked. "You see the one with the red hair and the big thick glasses….?"

"Yeah."

"I think he looks more like your son!"

"Do you have a death wish Moony!?"

But he had got Sirius started. "Hold on Prongs, he really does, are you sure while Lily was going with the ice-cream man, you weren't going with Molly Weasley!?"

"I can assure you I have never, or will never be near Molly Weasley in that way… ever!"

Sirius and Remus looked at each other and answered at the same time, "Denial!"

Mr Weasley meanwhile, had pulled Harry away from the conversation at the breakfast table, to a more secluded spot behind some pillars.

"Oh, wonder what they are going to do!"

"Padfoot, stop it! My son is not gay!" James shouted. "He may be a lot of things but gay in not one of them!"

"_**Harry, what I am about to tell you must not be taken lightly"**_**, Mr Weasley said, **_**"There are some who do not wish you to know this but I have a higher opinion of your nerves."**_

"Woah, feel the tension!"

"Can you be serious for one moment, Padfoot, one moment is all I ask!"

"But I am Sirius!"

"_**Sirius Black escaped out of Azkaban to kill you."**_

Sirius and James both choked on their popcorn at the exact same moment.

"_**He what?"**_

"_**He wants you dead Harry."**_

"Oh that's nice", Remus scoffed.

"_**Harry, you must be very scared."**_

"Yeah," Peter answered. "I would be if Sirius was going to kill me…oh yeah." Peter cowered in his seat as Sirius and James both stared open mouthed at the screen.

"_**I'm not, honestly Mr Weasley, I mean, Sirius Black can't be any worse than Voldemort can he?"**_

"You'd be surprised," James broke his silence. "Sirius on a sugar high is a very scary thing indeed."

Remus, Peter and James stared at Sirius and waited for him to say something.

"Great, just great!" he groaned, "First Gary Oldman and now I'm attempting to kill my best friends son! This is globalization in Cinema production at its worst I tell thee!"

Sirius stood up. "I'm going to have a word with the cinema attendant… No, the boss… No, the director, Oh screw it, I'm taking this matter to the queen!"

"Padfoot, calm down," Remus said, pulling him back down into his seat. "Before you go rushing off to the queen don't you think you should maybe watch the rest of the film to see what happens?"

Sirius crossed his arms in his seat. "Fine!" he pouted. "But I'm not happy about it!"


	3. Friends, Fuzz and Freaky Flying Robes

Chapter 3 – Friends, Face Fuzz and Freaky Flying Robes

* * *

"Okay Sirius, I know you're crazy right now but there was no need to throw your popcorn over Peter's head," Remus scolded.

"Yeah Pads, that doesn't help matters," James agreed.

"It made me feel better," Sirius growled.

"You'll just get us kicked out and then we won't be able to see the rest of the film," James said.

Sirius scowled at him. "Woopdefriggindo."

"Er guys," Peter squeaked. "They're on the Hogwarts Express now."

"Oh please, the Hogwarts Express looks nothing like that."

"Must you be so completely critical of everything?" Remus asked wearily.

"Lets just wait and see what you look like wolf boy," Sirius answered.

"Nothing can be worse than Gary Oldman, Sirius, nothing."

"Will you two stop bickering I'm trying to watch my son," James hissed.

They watched as Harry, Ron and Hermione entered a compartment, which already contained what looked like a grubby pile of rags.

"_**Who do you think that is?"**_

"_**Professor R.J Lupin."**_

"Speak of the devil," Sirius scoffed as Remus suddenly smiled at being a 'professor'.

"_**You know everything! How is it that she knows everything!"**_

"_**It's on his suitcase, Ronald."**_

"Woooo," James wailed. "Moony's got a suitcase! He's all posh and stuff!"

"He's a professor?" Peter whimpered, "I mean, no offence Moony but how the hell did you get to be a professor!"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence guys," Remus laughed, equally shocked as everyone else. "At least I don't look like a psycho," he added.

"How can you tell?" Sirius asked. "You're covered in blankets, if you ask me someone who's wrapped up in blankets isn't exactly on the sane side."

"I wasn't the one screaming at everyone in my prison photo, was I?" Remus asked.

"Ah touché."

"Once you two have finished bickering, you'll notice that we have moved on in the story," James decided to inform his friends.

"_**You're telling me Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban, to come after you?"**_

"Ah, back to this old chestnut are we?"

"_**But Harry's perfectly safe. He'll be caught soon, won't he, I mean everyone's looking out for him."**_

"He'd better be," James threatened, "If you touch one hair on my sons head I swear I will hunt you down and…"

"James, you're dead," Remus informed.

James shot a glare at Remus. "I'll rephrase that, while I'm up in heaven being sexy, if you touch one hair on my son's head I swear I will get Remus to hunt you down."

"No offence James," Sirius laughed, "But if Harry's hair is anything like yours I wouldn't go anywhere near it."

"_**Sure, apart from the fact that Black is the only one to have ever escaped out of Azkaban and he is a murderous raving lunatic."**_

"_**Thanks, Ron."**_

"Yeah thanks, Ron," Sirius sounded hurt. " I prefer the term loud person who is mentally challenged, if you please."

"I'm surprised he could call you a lunatic without that being branded non politically correct," Peter commented.

"Have you learned nothing of the purpose of Hollywood yet Wormtail?" James asked.

Suddenly on the screen, the Hogwarts Express came to a dodgy halt.

"_**What's happening?"**_

"The film company ran out of money and couldn't afford to keep the train running," Remus supplied and the other three laughed.

"_**I think something's coming aboard!"**_

"How on earth can something come aboard when you are broken down on the middle of a very high bridge? Come on, Harry be brave, make your father proud!" James wailed. The lights started to go out one by one.

"Ohh feel the tension!" Sirius shouted.

"How on earth are you sleeping through this?" Peter asked Remus, whose one screen counterpart was still in a deep slumber.

Remus shrugged. "I am a very heavy sleeper, well, either that or I'm dead, hey! Has anybody even bothered to check If I'm DEAD!"

Sirius jumped as Hermionie's cat let out a loud screech. "My, that is one funky looking puppet!"

"Wait, time seems to be slowing doooown," James said as a white light glared outside the compartment door. Harry looked at it, "NO! Harry, get away from the LIGHT!"

Suddenly, after an eerie silence, ragged black material started to float in front of the light, moving in completely the wrong direction from the way the 'creature' was moving might I add.

"Oh NOOO!" Sirius wailed dramatically. "It's a horrible tatty old curtain coming to kill us all! We're all going to dieeeee!" Remus slapped him.

"Pads, calm down, none of us is going to be killed by a curtain."

The 'curtain' revealed one of it's scabbed hands and opened the compartment door.

"Harry's going to die being molested by something that belongs at a jumble sale, great way to bring some honour to your parents," James cowered.

Harry and the thing that has not been explained yet and none of the audience have a clue what it is, stared at each other.

"Febreeze, bringing life back into your curtains!"

"Sirius! Can't you be serious for one moment!"

"Sorry, that moment just called out for an advert."

"Oh no, maybe its not a curtain, its sucking Harry's face off!"

"Maybe it's a Hoover!"

"Or a fan girl!" Sirius shouted when everybody looked at him. "What? Fan girls are scary..."

"Okay," Remus said slowly, "Looks like the director got caught up a bit on special effects."

"NOO, THE EVIL CURTAIN IS STEALING HARRY'S BLUR!" James wailed.

"Not His Blur!" Sirius screamed dramatically. "Well I never!"

"Moony, you're a great teacher by the way, your student is getting the blur sucked out of him and you're away to dreamsville," Peter commented.

Suddenly a pair of bright blue eyes snapped open among the pile of rags.

"He Lives!" Peter shouted.

"IT'S ALLLIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEE!"

Remus let out a loud scream as the bundle of rags fell apart and the fully-grown 'version' of himself was illuminated in the light of his own spell.

"HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP!!! WHAT IS THAT GROWING ON MY FACE!!!???"

"Awww, Moony's got some face-fuzz, how cute," James laughed, and Sirius was beside himself with hysterics.

"Wow Moony, I must say that you give Gary Oldman a run for his money, and that is saying something."

"What the hell! Where do they find these people!"

"Well, by the looks of yours," Sirius thought for a minute. "In Germany during World War II."

"What did I do to deserve that? Why does god hate me so much?" Remus wailed.

"Apparently, it would seem that he has a grudge against you Moony old chum," James acknowledged.

"Hey look!" Peter laughed. "Looks like Harry digs your 'tash as well Moony, he just passed out."

"So," Sirius smiled. "Gary Oldman doesn't look so bad now."

Remus hit him, hard.

"_**Harry, are you okay?"**_

"Come on Harry, wakey wakey, eggs and bakey, rise and shine!"

"Sirius, he is in a film, he cannot hear you!" Remus said irritably.

"Obviously the same applied for adult Remus when you told him to buy a razor."

"Seriously Moony," James laughed. "What were you smoking when you got that done?"

"I swear, if I every decide to grow a moustache in real life, you three have my full permission to shave me completely bald and feed me to hungry pigeons."

The others looked at him for a moment. "Pigeons?"

"Well sorry for being a bit random! I have been mentally affected by the large animal that is apparently going to be growing on my face!" Remus wailed dramatically.

"Understandable," James sympathized, patting him on the back.

"_**Here eat this it'll help."**_

On Screen, Remus handed Harry a piece of chocolate, Harry looked, understandably, completely confused.

"_**Don't worry. It's chocolate."**_

"You're trying to bribe my son with chocolate?" James asked, puzzled.

Sirius burst out laughing. "He's The Child catcher!" Remus smacked him over the head but Sirius continued to shout. "Come Here Kiddies! Get yo Lollipops! All free Today!"

"_**What was that thing?"**_

"_**It was one of the Dementors of Azkaban, it was searching the train for Sirius Black. Now if you'll excuse me I need to have a little word with the driver."**_

"Ah," James concluded. "A Dementor. I understand all the lame special effects now!"

"I still don't understand the blurness," Peter wailed.

"Ah well, The Child catcher fought him away! Way for Moony!"

"A rather meaty looking child catcher too might I add, Moony, you've let yourself go a bit," James joked.

"Pretty fly for a dead guy, Prongs," Remus retaliated.

"Right," Peter interrupted. "So let me get this straight, James is dead, Remus is a tubby version of the child catcher with a scary moustache and ragged clothes, and Sirius is a crazy drunken murderer who can't stop laughing at the camera."

"That's probably because I've just seen Moony's face fuzz," Sirius laughed, Remus didn't even bother to answer.

"Looks like Moony's not the only insane one in this film," Peter commented.

"How?" James asked.

"Mini Prongs is hearing things," Peter stated, as Harry told Ron and Hermione that he heard someone screaming.

"Oh my god, that boy just keeps getting weirder and weirder!" Sirius moaned.

"Like father, like son," Remus laughed.

"HEY!" James shouted. "I am not Weird! I'm simply misunderstood."

"Sure you are, James, sure you are," Peter said sympathetically. "Look guys we're at Hogwarts now."

"Oh dig the funky sound track," Sirius laughed and started to dance.

"I never knew Hogwarts had a choir," James commented as Peter sang along with the choir under his breath.

"And a mighty sniffing choir it is too," Remus laughed. "Check the size of some of their mouths."

"I've not seen mouths that size since we slipped expanding potion into Sevvy's pumpkin juice," Sirius laughed.

"I think it's great," Peter commented. "Dinner and a show."

The choir parted to reveal Dumbledore standing at a podium.

"Woah! James wailed as the four boys jumped at the sight of Dumbledore. "When did Dumbledore go all hippy on us?"

"This film is insane," Sirius stared at hippy Dumbledore in awe.

"More like Dumbledore's insane, who puts their beard in a ponytail for god's sake?" Remus asked.

"Who knows Moony, you might have to take a leaf out of his book once your face fuzz gets out of control."

"What do you mean gets?" Sirius laughed.

"_**We have two new additions to staff this year, firstly I'd like you to give a hand for Professor R.J Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defence Against The Dark Arts."**_

Sirius, James and Peter applauded as Remus stood up in his cinema seat and gave a mock bow.

"Thank you, thank you, I'd like to dedicate this to…."

"OH MY GOD!"

"Please Sirius, I know you're shocked but there is no need to interrupt my dedication," Remus sat down, pouting.

"No! Nooooooooooo! NOOOOO!"

"Sirius what is wrong?" James asked worriedly, following Sirius' gaze to the screen and then noticing what he was so distraught about. James joined in the noooing.

"What's up guys?" Remus asked amid the NOOOOO's, he also looked at the screen and chocked on his popcorn. "Snivellus!"

Snape was indeed leering down the staff table at Lupin, who had jut sat back down.

"What is he doing there!" Peter shouted.

"Snivellus… a professor? That can only mean one thing…"

"The World As We Know It Is Coming To An End!"

"Has Dumbledore Gone MAD!" James shouted.

"Possibly, he hired me remembe?" Remus said, still staring in shock at the screen.

"What do you think he teaches?" Peter asked.

"Probably personal hygiene or something like that…" Remus stated.

"_**And secondly, owing to the fact that professor Kettleburn, our own care Of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to spend more time with his remaining limbs, his place shall be taken by none other than our very own Rubeus Hagrid."**_

"Oh," Sirius said quietly. "Well that's nice, Hagrid's okay."

"Pads, you just like him because he shares your interest in violent creatures."

"Well, violent creatures are cool."

"Oh so I'm cool now am I?" Remus laughed.

"I wasn't talking about you, moustache-man," Sirius laughed.

"_**On a more disquieting note, our school is currently playing host to the Dementors of Azkaban…"**_

"The ragged black cloaks of doooom!" Sirius shouted as Dumbledore continued to explain the nature of Dementor to the school.

"Yes children, beware the attack of the beggars cloaks, they are extraordinarily violent."

"_**But remember, happiness can be found in even the darkest of places…if one only remembers to turn on the light."**_

"A few well said words that had absolutely nothing to do with the speech he just made from Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of the age who is quite content to turn candles on and off," Remus said as Dumbledore waved the flame of a candle away.

"Me thinks someone's been smoking some Floo powder," Sirius said mockingly.

James, Peter and Remus laughed as the scene switched to the Gryffindors' walking up to the common room.

"_**Fortuna Major."**_

"_**Wait a minute, listen to this."**_

"Is that the fat lady?" James asked. "She's had a makeover from the last two films."

"Prongs, Everything's had a make over from the last two films," Remus said.

"You think all the students would notice that the castle looks completely different, apparently not."

"You also think they'd notice that Dumbledore seems to have changed bodies over the summer holidays."

"A conspiracy I tell thee!" James shouted dramatically. "The student's are Brainwashed!"

"Or maybe they changed directors," Remus said sensibly.

"Nah, this is a conspiracy, this is Voldemort's attempt take over Hogwarts!" James shouted.

"Damn your hero complex, Prongs, it annoys the hell out of me," Sirius moaned, holding James down in his seat.

"_**She won't let me in!"**_

"_**Fortuna Major!"**_

"_**Lalalalala LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"**_

"Ah sweet Jesus!" Remus wailed covering his sensitive ears. "That was uncalled for!"

"Oh Dear god she sounds like my mother," Sirius moaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Ah, my brain is ringing," Peter said stupidly.

"You have a brain?" James asked, wincing, "You learn something new every day..."

The Fat Lady, smashed the glass on the side of her portrait.

"_**Amazing, just with my voice."**_

"_**Fortuna Major!"**_

"_**Oh all right go in."**_

"_**Why does she still do that?"**_

"_**She can't even sing!"**_

"_**Exactly."**_

"_**Yeah, I know."**_

"So?" Peter retaliated. "Sirius can't sing, that doesn't stop him though."

"Are you kidding me? I have the voice of an angel!" Sirius pouted.

Remus, James and Peter snorted. "Yeah, sure you do, and Peter's the Queen of England."

"After everything I've seen today, that truly, wouldn't surprise me."

Suddenly, one of the boys in Harry's dorms started to randomly make monkey noises and jump about.

"Whoa, what was that all about!" James asked.

"Poor Harry," Remus shook his head solemnly. "First he had to deal with his blown up aunt, then a crazy conductor in the knight bus, then a hunchback, then crazy Sirius, then an evil curtain and now rabid dorm mates."

"Harry better not get rabies or I swear..."

"Prongs, you'd better stop threatening people in this film, besides, the boy's not really a crazy rabid monkey."

"They're eating animal crackers Prongs, remember those things that you and Sirius had great fun feeding unsuspecting individuals?" Peter informed the other three.

"_**Here, try an elephant Neville."**_

"_**Phnurtttt phnnurttttt Ph Ph PHNURTTTTT!"**_

"What kind of elephant was that supposed to be?" Sirius asked, as the on-screen teenagers started to laugh.

Ron suddenly put one in his mouth.

"Nice hat Ron," James sniggered. "My son's friends have excellent dress senses I must say."

"_**ROARRRR! Grrrr Roar!"**_

"I'll take that as a, thank you James," James laughed.

"_**Harry, try that one!"**_

"_**Oh no he's not..."**_

"_**He is..."**_

All the other boys laughed as Harry put a cracker in his mouth.

"Aw Prongs, your son was brave, you must be so proud!" Sirius said sarcastically.

"Are you making fun of me Padfoot?"

"Of course not Prongs, I was making fun of your son."

Suddenly steam started to gush out of Harry's ears.

"_**Look at his face!"**_

"Yeah look at yours Ron, the freckles really go with the hat!" James shouted defensively, Remus, Sirius and Peter burst out laughing as the scene switched to the outside of the castle, where you could see the teenage boys through the window, the steam still gushing out Harry's ears.

"Aww, what a lovely little bit of teenage bonding over trick sweets," Remus cooed.

"It gives you the warm fuzzies does it not gentlemen?" Sirius laughed. Everyone just looked at him, "Nope, just me then."

"Ah well, one good thing has come of that little fluff fest," Peter smirked.

"What's that Wormtail?"

"We know for definite that James is Harry's father, the resemblance is striking."

Remus laughed, "Yeah, that's exactly how he looks when he's thinking abut Evans."

"With the steam?" James asked.

"Okay, maybe not the steam but that's a good idea for the next time I see you talking to Evans," Sirius smirked evilly, fingering his wand.

"Pads if you come anywhere near me with that wand while I'm attempting to talk to Evans I will snap it in half!"

"Is that a threat Prongs!?"

"You bet your furry little butt it is!"

"Children! Behave or I'm going to have to kick both your rears!" Remus shouted angrily.

James and Sirius looked at each other with identical satanic grins on their faces and launched at Remus.

"So mature," Peter muttered to himself, stealing Remus' popcorn as the three boys continued to fight amongst themselves, laughing hysterically.


	4. Tea Monsters, Threats & Things to Come

Chapter 4 – Tea Monsters, Threats and Things to Come

* * *

"Guys?" Peter asked wearily after a while. "Are you going to actually watch the film or just going to beat the crap out of each other?"

"Wha..?" Sirius asked dozily as he resurfaced from the pile of fighting bodies, James popped his head back up next, glasses askew.

"Sorry, Wormtail, I've got them under control, no need to worry!"

"Prongs, Padfoot, you guys are sort of sitting on me," Remus' oddly squashed sounding voice echoed from underneath a seat.

"It's for your own good, Moony. James, hand me the razor, I'm going in!"

"I don't have a razor with me Pads," James laughed.

"Yeah, and besides, you think I'm going to let you near my face with something sharp you've got another thing coming!" Remus groaned, throwing Sirius off him and pulling himself back into his seat.

"So, what did we miss?" James asked Peter.

"An advertisement for National Bird Watch or something like that," Peter said stupidly, still munching on Remus' popcorn, "The camera's been following that little bird about for ages."

"Is that the Whomping Willow?" Remus asked suddenly, pointing to the screen.

"No little bird!" James shouted, "Fly Away!"

"Ahh crap, oh well, looks like they're having pigeon for tea tonight," Sirius commented grimly.

"That's cruelty to birds that is! Somebody call the RSPCB!" James shouted dramatically.

"Ah tiny bird, we hardly knew ye," Sirius said solemnly.

"Oh dear god if this is what you two are like at the death of a bird what are you going to be like if someone else dies!" Remus asked.

Sirius' eyes went wide, "Do you think someone's going to die!?"

"No Sirius it was just a figure of spe-"

"Oh No, Someone's Going To Die!"

"James calm down, no one's going to die!"

"Oh No, Sirius! We're All Going To Die!"

James stopped screaming when Remus slapped him across the face.

"Sorry it had to come to that, Prongs, but number one, you're already dead, and number two, if you scream like that again I will kill you myself!"

James breathed deeply, "Right, you're right, thanks I needed that."

"Are we calm?" Remus growled. James and Sirius nodded fearfully.

"_**Hello and welcome to Divination, I am professor Trelawney and together we shall cast ourselves into the future..."**_

"Damn," James said quietly, "What did Harry take Divination for? That's the most pointless pile of crap ever."

"What did you take it for?" Peter asked.

James shrugged, "The professor was hot," he answered.

"Well I think we can safely say that's not the reason Harry took it," Remus commented as Trelawney introduced herself to the class.

"Woah, Prongs," Sirius laughed, "Her hair's more out of control than yours!"

"They also have matching glasses," Peter commented, "Are you sure your not related to her Prongs?"

"Quite sure," James gulped, "My family are crazy but not that crazy!"

"…_**which is the art of reading Tea leaves so if you could please take the cup of the person sitting opposite you!" **_

"Ah joy, tea leaves, remember when we did those Moony?" James laughed.

"Sure do," Remus sniggered, "The most I ever saw was a pile of soggy brown stuff."

"Yeah, shame the professor didn't find it so amusing when you told me that it looked as if I'd be having toilet trouble in the near future," James wiped tears of laughter from his eyes.

"Well, she wasn't supposed to hear!" Remus grinned apologetically as Sirius and Peter joined in on the laughing.

"_**Oh, your aura is pulsing dear, are you in the beyond?" **_

"_**Sure..." **_

"Oh poor Ron," Peter whimpered, "I hate it when teachers pick on you like that!"

"That's called learning, Wormtail!" Sirius said sarcastically.

"_**Well em… Harry's got a sort of wonky cross."**_

"Oh No!" James yelped, "Harry's cross is wonky!"

"I'm sure that's not the only thing in that family," Sirius said sweetly, pointing to James and making crazy signs.

"Padfoot, I'm not blind!" James turned around.

"Could've fooled me with your beer bottle glasses, Jim," Sirius teased.

"_**Which means trials and suffering, but he's also got a sun which is…happiness, so you're gonna suffer, but be…happy about it."**_

"Yep Moony, he's about as good at Divination as you are."

Remus shrugged apologetically, "I do what I can."

"Ah so he's not perfect!" Sirius said dramatically pointing at Remus.

"I've never said I was perfect, well, growing an abundance of fur and teeth every month wouldn't exactly be classed as perfect."

Suddenly on the screen Professor Trelawney screamed and clutched her hand to her heart.

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" Remus shouted, "I'm not that bloody scary!"

"Moony mate, em…she was screaming at a cup," Peter said timidly.

"Okay then," Sirius muttered to himself, "Thinking people in a film can hear him, right, that's it Moony, you're going to the insane asylum with James!"

"What the hell is she screaming at Harry's cup for?" James asked worriedly.

"Probably saw her reflection in it," Sirius smirked.

"_**My dear…you have…the Grim!"**_

"Or she saw a death omen in it," Peter supplied.

"Oh No Prongs! The evil tea monsters are coming to get your son!"

"I know that was meant sarcastically Pads, but I don't think you should taunt Prongs any more, he looks like he's about to have a heart attack," Remus said sympathetically as James started wailing "nooooooo" under his breath.

"James, it's just a pile of tea leaves, relax," Peter whimpered.

"But the Grim?" James said, "Harry's going to die!"

"Prongs, calm down, Harry's not going to die," Sirius said slowly, "They have another four movies to make."

"_**What's the Grim?"**_

"_**The form of a giant spectral dog, It is one of the darkest omens in our world, it is an omen…of death."**_

"Woah, who is that boy?" Peter asked indication the boy who was reading out what a Grim was, "He is seriously scary."

"Well maybe he thinks you're seriously scary," James snapped.

"Well neither of you are because I am Seri-" Sirius laughed but Remus cut across him.

"Please Pads, for the sake of my sanity, just…shut up!"

"What sanity?" Peter asked.

"I didn't know you had sanity Moony! Have you been holding out on us?" James teased.

"We have now left the planet of crazy and are entering the Milky Way of the completely deranged," Remus said quietly.

"Remus, did you forget your pills this morning?" Sirius said accusingly.

"Speaking of pills!" Peter interrupted, reaching into his bag and pulling out a bundle of Sugar Quills.

"Woohoo! Sugar!" Sirius and James shouted, grabbing one each from his outstretched hands.

"Sugar? Oh no…and there goes my last thread of patience…" Remus muttered, shaking his head.

"Oh well, If you can't beat them… join them," Peter grinned, sticking a sugar quill in his mouth.

"_**Come on, gather roun', gather roun', got a real treat for ye today!"**_

"Ah Hagrid, goody goody gumdrops!" Sirius sang, sucking on his sugar quill.

"Dear God, Sirius and James on sugar, who the hell did I piss off to deserve this?" Remus moaned.

"God apparently," Peter supplied.

"More than one god," Sirius chimed.

"The entire Greek Pantheon?" James asked.

"Thanks guys."

"No problem Moony old buddy, old chum."

Remus rolled his eyes wearily and turned to watch the screen.

"_**Now if ye'll just open yer books."**_

"_**And how are we supposed to do that?"**_

"_**Ye just stoke the spine o' course, goodness me."**_

"Is that those psycho books that Harry had a run in with earlier?" Peter asked curiously.

James started giggling stupidly, "See Moony, I told you books were the route of all evil!"

"Now we have proof! Proof I tell thee!" Sirius shouted, "Oh my gosh Prongs, do you realise what we have just uncovered?"

"Possibly the biggest conspiracy since the history of books!"

"Possibly the biggest conspiracy in the history of the WORLD!"

"This is all your fault Peter, you just couldn't keep the sugar to yourself could you?" Remus said wearily.

Dialogue on the screen brought the four boys' attentions back to the film as a Hippogriff trotted out into a paddock amongst the assembled students.

"_**Say hello to Buckbeak!"**_

"HELLO BUCKBEAK!" James and Sirius shouted out at the top of their voices before collapsing into a fit of sugar-induced giggles.

"_**First thing ye gotta remember about a Hippogriff is that they're proud. Don't never go insultin a hippogriff cos it may just be the last thing ye ever do."**_

"Just like Padfoot then," Peter giggled as Sirius let out an indignant sigh.

"_**So, who wants to go first?"**_

"Oh that was a cheap trick," James growled angrily, pointing at the screen as all of Harry's classmates stood back and set him up for volunteering.

"Wow I am so shocked, I never thought Harry would have to go first," Sirius grinned, voice absolutely dripping with sarcasm.

"Did you know that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Pads?" Peter said mildly.

"Ah young Petey, but it is a form of wit!" Sirius grinned.

"_**So Harry, just bow slowly, let him make the first move."**_

"Yes Harry," Peter said wisely, "Be a good boy and bow to the birdy."

"Come on Harry! Show them all up! Do your father proud!" James shouted.

Harry bowed tentatively to the Hippogriff and it returned the favour after a moment of regarding him imperiously.

"Ah well James, at least Harry's not completely hopeless," Sirius shrugged, "He's good with the birds."

"Takes after his father in that department then," James said proudly while the other three snorted with laughter.

"What?"

"How's Lily these days Prongs?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," Sirius added, "Has she actually spoken to you lately?"

"Of course she has!" James defended.

Peter raised his eyebrows.

"If she said 'I hate you please go crawl into a hole and die somewhere' then that doesn't count," Sirius laughed.

"Hey, whatever I'm doing must be working if we end up having a son together!"

"I don't want to alarm you Prongs, but aforementioned son nearly had his hand just mauled off by a Hippogriff," Remus informed and they turned their attention' back to the film. Harry was now contently patting Buckbeak.

"_**Well Harry, I reckon he might let ye ride him now."**_

"_**What!?"**_

"Looks like Hagrids' challenging Moony for his title of child catcher," James joked as Hagrid picked up Harry and placed him on the Hippogriff's back.

"_**Jus' don' pull out any of his feathers cos he won' thank ye for that!"**_

Suddenly Harry grabbed onto the Hippogriff as it reared up into the air.

"Looks like he's having fun doesn't he?"

"Who, the hippogriff or Harry?"

"I think Hagrids' enjoying himself, it's really quite worrying how much fun he's having."

"I can fly hiiiiigh, like the wiiiiiiiiiiiiiind!" Sirius chanted, waving his sugar quill in the air.

"Sure you can Pads, sure you can," Remus said sympathetically.

"You think a few of the teachers in that castle would get a fright if they looked out the window and a student is flying past on a half horse half eagle," Peter acknowledged as Harry and Buckbeak sailed between the towers of the castle.

"Wow, the lake seems to have grown in the summer holidays," James commented.

"Oh no, Harry's doing an 'I'm King of The World'!"

"Oh god," James cringed, "As your father Harry, I say, keep your dignity, don't do weirdo things like that."

"Didn't I see a scene like this in Titanic?" Remus asked as Harry spread his arms wide and you could see the lake in the background.

"My Heart Will Go Oooooonnn and oooooooooonnnnnnn!"

"Sweet Jesus Sirius," Remus cursed, covering his ears, "You're a worse singer than that Fat Lady, and that's saying something!"

"Well, Harry seems to have recovered from his momentary lapse in dignity and style, he's landing now," Peter informed the others as the Hippogriff touched down.

The whole paddock burst into applause.

"_**Oh well done, Harry, well done!"**_

"Are they like his groupies or something?" Sirius asked.

"Thank you for that disturbing thought of my son having groupies, Pads."

"Not at all Prongs, not at all."

"_**Yes, you're not dangerous at all are you, you great ugly brute." **_

"_**Malfoy!"**_

"Ah, a Malfoy, We should have known!" Sirius growled as Buckbeak reared on Malfoy.

"Definitely Lucy's son," Remus agreed, wincing slightly as he fell to the ground.

"Trust the spawn of Satan to get into trouble in Hagrids' first class," Sirius scowled.

"_**Buckbeak! No Buckbeak! Down, woah!" **_

"_**Look at me, It's killed me!" **_

"_**Calm down, it's just a scratch!" **_

"_**Hagrid! He has to be taken to the hospital wing!"**_

"And it took them that long to come to that wonderful conclusion," Sirius applauded.

"_**Right, I'm the teacher, I'll do it." **_

"_**You're going to pay for this, you and you're bloody chicken." **_

"_**Class dismissed!"**_

"Did anyone else notice that Hagrid just picked up a child and carried him into the bushes?" Peter asked.

"I think he's taking your place as Child catcher Moony, unless we call Hagrid Michael Jackson."

"That's a bit inappropriate, Pads."

"Nah, I bet he can do a mean moonwalk."

"Ah look, Jamiekins, I think Buckbeak's got a little soft spot for Mini Prongs!" Sirius goaded as Harry patted Buckbeak.

"A match made in heaven," Peter agreed, as James threw his shoe at Sirius' head.

"Now people, there will be no jokes made about Harry's fondness for the Hippogriff," Remus struggled to hide a smile, "It could be simply innocent."

"You could cut the sexual tension between them with a knife!" Sirius shouted.

"Are you suggesting my son gets his kicks from animals?"

"Well, Prongs, like you said," Remus sniggered, "Like father, like son!"

Sirius and Peter burst out laughing as James threw his other shoe and hit Remus squarely between the eyes.

"_**Does it hurt terribly Draco?" **_

"_**It comes and it goes, but I consider myself lucky, a few more moments and I could have lost my arm."**_

"Aw come on, bloody wimp," Sirius scowled, "What a load of Hippogriff shi-"

"He is really milking that," James interrupted, "As if, we've had worse that Madam Pompfrey could fix easily."

Remus agreed, "I'd give him a real scratch if he wants one."

"It was his own fault," Peter echoed, "Do you think he's just doing it to get Hagrid sacked?"

"_**I heard Draco's father's furious! We haven't heard the end of this."**_ Hermionie echoed the marauders' thoughts from the Gryffindor table.

"_**He's been Sighted, He's been sighted!" **_

"_**Who!" **_

"_**Sirius Black!"**_

Sirius chocked on his sugar quill as Seamus Finnigan ran down the aisle between the tables brandishing a Daily Prophet. Harry, Hermione and Ron jumped up and read the paper over his shoulder as he put it on the table.

"_**Duff Town? That's not far from here!" **_

"_**You don't think he'd come to Hogwarts do you?"**_

"I hope not," Sirius whimpered to himself as James, Remus and Peter exchanged worried glances.

"_**What, with Dementors at every entrance?" **_

"_**Dementors! He's already slipped passed them once, who's to say he wont do it again!"**_

"If it wasn't for the fact that I'm an evil cold blooded murderer I would feel pretty proud right now that I'm the only one to have broken out of Azkaban," Sirius sniggered nervously.

James smirked back, "And if I wasn't dead, I'd congratulate you."

"Oh look, it's that scary little boy again!" Peter wailed.

"_**He's right, Black could be anywhere by now, it's like trying to catch smoke, it's like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands."**_

"Honestly, what is with that kid?" Remus asked, trying to ease the tension as Sirius stared in horror at the newspaper picture of himself laughing and screaming hysterically.

"That's one scary picture, Pads," James voiced aloud what everyone was thinking.

"It's Gary Oldman, what do you expect? I'm surprised the camera's not broken!" Sirius growled indignantly.

The four boys looked at each other nervously, one thing was for certain now, they we're to far into this film to even think about leaving, they we're in it for the long haul.

Through thick and thin…


	5. Confronting your Fears and Face Fuzz

**A/N: **Hellow! Wow thank you for all your reviews xD I usually answer to each individual review, and some of you actually got a response, but life has been a bit hectic (my life's pretty hectic now that I think about it.... hmm....) and I couldn't answer the last reviews. Alas, for that I'm sorry, but they sure made me very, very happy ^^,

Anywho... enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 5 – Confronting your Fears and Face Fuzz

* * *

"Pads, I mean this in the nicest way possible," James said slowly, "What in the sweet name of a flying yard animal are you doing?"

Sirius stopped, took his empty popcorn bag off his head and looked seriously at James, "I'm trying to kill myself…what does it look like?"

Peter interrupted, "Well it looked as if you we're trying to lick the popcorn bag clean…"

"Peter, shut up," Remus shook his head wearily, "Sirius, why are you trying to kill yourself?"

"I refuse to be a murderer, Moony! So I'm going to kill myself before I can kill someone else!"

"Doesn't killing yourself count as murder?" Peter asked but he was silenced by looks from James and Remus.

James took the bag from Sirius' grasp and threw it away, "Pads, you're not going to be a murderer!"

"But…Evil Film says I am," Sirius pleaded.

"Said Evil Film also says I'm going to have a moustache," Remus reasoned.

"I don't want to murder people," Sirius wailed, "I mean, come on…I know I'm a little corrupted now and then but that's taking it to the extreme!"

"Pads, We all know you're not a murderer," James supplied, "You wouldn't hurt a fly…well, except for that time you set Moony's cat on fire, and there was that time you sent Snape through the Willow… oh and we can't forget when you threatened to turn Snape into a giant hamburger and eat him, but he was too greasy…"

"This is not funny, Prongs!" Sirius argued as the other three started to giggle, "How would you like it if you were a cold blooded killer!"

Remus waved his hand with a sarcastic smile on his face, "Erm…hellooo, remember me? Your dear friend Remus? The lunarly challenged one?"

"Oh Yeah," Sirius apologised, "Sorry, Moony, forgot about that."

James laughed aloud and Peter giggled nervously as Remus stuck his tongue out at Sirius, "I'll remember that next full moon then, I doubt you'll forget it then."

"Is that a threat, Mr Lupin?" Sirius asked melodramatically.

"I suppose it is," Remus answered, clawing his hands sarcastically. This succeeded in cheering Sirius up slightly; he turned back to the screen, giggling slightly at how psychotic his friends were.

"Hey, Moony?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus answered as Peter sneakily picked up Sirius' empty popcorn packet from the floor where James tossed it and proceeded to lick the inside. James turned around to Sirius and Remus and pretended not to notice him.

"Seeing as we're the only one's alive in this film apparently and we're both raving psychopathic killers…"

"Thanks, Pads, you're really sensitive you know that?" Remus laughed sarcastically.

"I try, Moony, I try…anyway, lets start a club!"

"…and I would want to join a Crazy Murderers club because…?"

"It'll be fun, we can be retards together!" Sirius said excitedly.

"I would join," James agreed, "But you know…I'm kinda dead."

"Lucky you," Sirius answered as Remus laughed.

"Okay," Remus replied, "I'll make a deal with you?"

"Yeah?" Sirius agreed

"How about…we forget the mucked up club, and I'll help you kill yourself if you shave my 'tash off before you go?"

"Ah, Moony Old friend", James said solemnly, "I think your 'tash would probably be what killed him."

"Guys?" Peter interrupted, "As absolutely thrilling as your multiple suicide pact is? Don't you think you could watch the film to find out if there's any point in actually killing yourselves before you reach any hasty decisions?"

"Wormtail said something smart?" James said dramatically.

"What? It's the World Coming To An End!" Sirius wailed.

"I'll kill you too if you want, Peter?" Remus offered generously.

"Why did I give them the sugar, Moony? WHY!"

Sirius pressed his finger to his lips, "Please, Wormtail, be quiet, we're trying to watch the film!"

James and Remus burst out laughing and turned back to the screen where there was a view of the Dementor's floating around in a storm.

"Ah look, the rabid cloak monsters are back," James commented.

"Hey, Moony! We could ask them to join our club!"

"Or, we could like… not!"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Are you sure you don't need some sugar?"

"I'm fine thanks," Remus replied heavily, this was going to be one hell of a long film.

A Dementor hovered past the camera, leaving a trail of frozen plants in its wake.

"Now that would be a good use for a Dementor," Peter nodded.

"What would?"

"Quick and easy freezing!" Peter called.

"Azkaban must be bloody cold," James commented, "I'm surprised the prisoners don't turn to ice."

"Well, "Sirius Black: Escaped Icicle" doesn't sound quite so dramatic as it could..." Remus answered.

"Hehe, I've always wanted to be in a show: On Ice!" Sirius smiled giddily.

"You've perked up all of a sudden," Peter commented to Sirius. James pressed his finger to his lips and crushed up a tiny blue pill and slipped it into Sirius' drink when he wasn't looking. Remus nodded in understanding, suddenly Sirius' happiness made sense, his best friend had just drugged him.

"Well…" James hissed out of the corner of his mouth while Sirius was busy counting his fingers, "At least he's not depressed anymore."

Peter laughed nervously as Sirius moved onto counting his toes. James shrugged apologetically as Remus gave him a reprimanding look, "That's what friends are for," he whispered, half-laughing.

The scene switched and the three boys turned back to the screen; Sirius seemed to be more interested in his elbow. "Look!" he said, apparently awe-struck, "It goes up…and down, how does it do that?"

On screen meanwhile, it was Lupins' first class. James and Peter burst out laughing as Film Remus appeared in front of the class while Real Remus seemed to be doing his best to hide.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm never going to hear the end of this?" Remus muttered quietly, covering his eyes as moustache man spoke to the class.

"Because you're probably not," Peter answered, laughing at the appearance of Lupin.

"Come on Kiddies!" James cried, "Are You Ready To Learn With The Childcatcher!?"

"Childcatcher?" Sirius groggily sat up, apparently alarmed, "Where! Save me Jimmy!"

Remus laughed as Sirius wrapped his arms around James wailing, "I'm a good boy! Don't let him take me!"

James shoved Sirius off him, straightening his glasses, "Woah look Pads, something shiny!"

"Oh Where! Lemme see!"

"_**That's a Boggart that is."**_

"_**Very good, now who can tell me what a Boggart is?"**_

"_**A Boggart is a shape-shifter, it takes on the appearance of whatever it thinks will frighten us most, that's what makes them so-"**_

"_**Terrifying, yes."**_

"Woah Moony, you're stealing your students thoughts!"

"Hey?" Peter asked, "Do you think any of their Boggarts will be his lip-animal? You know... his 'tash?"

"I dunno," James laughed. "But I think Moony's might be a razor."

"Oh ha ha, very witty," Remus said sarcastically as James and Peter burst out laughing. Sirius burst out laughing too, but no one was really sure whether he actually knew what he was laughing at or not.

"_**Luckily, a very simple charm exists to repel a Boggart, it is called the Ridikullus charm, see what really finishes a Boggart is… laughter." **_

"Oh God," James wailed, clutching his stomach, "I think I could finish about six million Boggarts right now!", he collapsed into a fresh fit of hysterics.

"_**You need to force it to assume a shape you find truly amusing, here let me demonstrate… Neville?"**_

"You find Neville a shape that is truly amusing?" Peter, asked worriedly, "Moony, that's either really cruel or really really sick."

Remus rolled his eyes.

_**"Neville, what are you most afraid of in the world?"**_

"…"

"_**Excuse me?"**_

"_**Professor Snape."**_

James, Remus and Peter all burst out laughing as the adult Remus nodded sympathetically.

"_**Yes, frightens all."**_

"Looks like Snape is definitely in this film too then!" Remus acknowledged merrily.

"Ah, cinematic entertainment wouldn't be the same without greasy chip pan adverts walking around," James smiled, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

"…_**And I believe you live with your Grandmother?""Yes...b-but I don't want that Boggart to turn into her either."**_

"_**No...It won't."**_

"_**Now when that Boggart comes out, I want you to picture her clothes, and only her clothes very clearly in your mind."**_

"And while you do that, Moony will be imagining her without her clothes!" Sirius joked, resurfacing from drug-induced confusion.

"Aw Pads!" Remus yelped, disgusted. "She's an old woman!"

"Well, look who's back in the land of the living!" James congratulated. "I missed you Pads."

"What in the name of god did you give me Prongs?" Sirius asked, holding his head.

James shrugged. "Just something to calm you down, you were getting a teensy bit suicidal."

"Lovely," Sirius commented.

"But you arrived back just in time," Peter informed. "For Moony's first class."

"Ah, so we get to see Mr Moon-Pie in action!"

"Mr Moon-Pie?" Remus asked. "Sirius, what the hell?… are you still drugged?"

"No my dear furry friend," Sirius replied. "Now pass the bacon!"

"After effects," James hissed. "It's normal."

Remus looked at him in outrage, "That James, that could never be classed as normal," he pointed to Sirius who was having a very intellectual conversation with Peter, who he seemed to think was a squirrel.

"Personally, I think it's an improvement," James informed.

"_**Okay, Neville, ready?" **_

"_**Yes."**_

"_**On the count of three… one… two…"**_

Adult Remus flicked his wand and the cabinet opened, out stepped a very greasy, hook-nosed, all-too familiar person.

"Watch Out Neville!" Sirius called out. "The Grease Monkey Is Coming for you!"

"R-Ridikullus!"

Snape stumbled and was suddenly dressed in an old lady's dress, complete with fox fur scarf, stuffed vulture hat and big red handbag.

Remus, James, Peter and Sirius howled with laughter.

"I must fix this in my memory forever!"

"Good one Moony!" James congratulated, high-fiving him.

"Snape… In a dress, Snape… In a dress, scarred-for-life!"

"Well guys, I'll remember you in therapy," Peter acknowledged.

"I'd rather forget this in therapy," Remus corrected.

"Yeah, that too," Peter grinned sheepishly as James and Sirius continued to laugh.

"Woah Prings," Sirius smiled goofily. "You smell like beans on toast."

James gave him a smart smack about the head.

"_**Yes Yes Neville, Most Enjoyable, now…form a queue."**_

"Come on children. Line up for your perverted teacher," James commented as Adult Remus turned around and flicked a few switched. Suddenly jazz music started playing as Ron stepped forward to take on the Boggart.

"Nice Tunes Moony," Peter laughed.

"I never knew you had a soft spot for jazz?"

"I don't," Remus informed, blushing a furious shade of red.

Sirius started twitching, "Oh, I quite like the beat, makes me want to… bop."

James raised his eyebrows as Sirius continued to bop his head like a pigeon. "You know, I would say that's the drugs talking, but… I'm not so sure it is."

"You've created a monster, Prongs," Peter wailed.

Suddenly Peter yelped as a giant spider advanced on Ron, he trembled for a minute.

"_**Ridikullus!"**_

The spider suddenly had a pair of skates on and fell over on the wooden floor.

"_**Very Good, Ron! Parvarti!"**_

Sirius let out a wolf whistle as Parvarti moved forward to tackle the Boggart.

"Sirius, that girl is like, 13! That's sick," Remus commented.

"So? I'm only fifteen," Sirius argued.

"Well actually, you'll be about 35 by then, isn't that like…illegal?" Peter asked.

"So, she's still hot."

Sirius jumped as her Boggart turned into a snake. He shuddered, "Gah, that's almost as bad as mine!"

"What's your Boggart?" Peter asked.

"My mother," Sirius smiled apologetically as James burst out laughing.

"Now she is scary!"

"_**Ridikullus!"**_

The snake changed into a giant jack-in-the-box. James covered his eyes. "How is the snake scarier than that? How!?"

"Prongs?" Remus asked, "Are you scared of children's toys?"

"That thing is scary!" James shouted. "How do you not find that scary!"

The jack in the box rocked backwards and forwards as Harry stepped forward, laughing.

"See, your son isn't scared of it," Sirius pointed out. "And there was me thinking he was the runt of the family."

"Hey!" James shouted, "My son is not a runt!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"… much," James concluded.

Adult Remus looked up from his music box and over to Harry apprehensively.

Suddenly the Boggart started to change shape and James held his breath, waiting to see what his son was scared of.

The Boggart stopped changing and a shadowy cloak figure advanced towards Harry. The four boys gasped as Adult Remus flung himself in front of Harry, blocking him from the Boggart.

"Moony, what are you doing? Harry was going to take on his evil shadow, why did you stop him?" James asked curiously.

"Just give me a minute while I magically travel forward in time thirty years and find out," Remus answered sarcastically.

The Boggart changed at once into a glowing full moon, which the camera very pointedly focused on for a few seconds. Remus hid his face as his on-screen counterpart muttered the incantation and the full moon turned into a balloon and whizzed around the room, finally flying back into the cupboard with a rattle.

"Well, that was terribly obvious," Peter commented, attempting to break the nervous silence which seemed to have settled over the group.

"Thanks Pete," Remus nodded sarcastically.

"What was that all about?" James asked.

Remus shrugged, "I honestly don't have a clue."

"You okay, Moony?" Sirius asked.

"Do you think there's any possible way that none of the students noticed that moon?" Remus asked.

"Well, they look pretty thick to me", Sirius answered.

"Excuse me?" James coughed.

"…Except for Harry," Sirius answered, "Harry is apparently perfect."

Remus gulped, "I think I'm screwed."

"You've been screwed since the day you met us," James said comfortingly. "Don't worry about it."

"What if all the students find out?" Remus asked quietly.

"Don't worry about it Moony, worst that can happen is you get fired, hey! You can come and join my club after all!" Sirius smiled.

"Oh great, I feel so much better now."

"Hey! Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Peter argued.

"Still a form of wit to me," Remus answered, "Why did I stop Harry getting at his Boggart?"

James shrugged. "This film gets weirder and weirder by the minute."

"_**We'll stop here for today, please collect your bags from the back, sorry, you really can't have too much of a good thing."**_

The camera switched to Harry gazing thoughtfully at the cupboard where the Boggart had just been banished.

The four boys looked at each other uncomfortably.

"Onward?" Sirius asked gazing at their confused faces.

Remus nodded, "Yeah, it can't get much worse…."

James glanced to the screen, "…Can It?"

"Pass The Popcorn!" Peter called out, perfectly cheerfully.

Sirius threw James's half-filled popcorn bag at Peter's face and sat down to watch the rest of the film.

"This is against my better judgement," he announced.

"You have better judgement?" James asked.

"You learn something new every day," Remus commented mildly.

"I think I've learned enough new things today to last me a few weeks."

"Don't be depressed Pads, remember… Every cloud has a silver lining."

"This coming from the guy who's allergic to silver," Peter said pointedly.

"Doesn't anyone understand Figures Of Speech Anymore!?" Remus' voice echoed around the near-empty cinema.

"Okay Guys, It's time for once in our lives to be serious," James arranged.

"But I am S…" Sirius laughed.

"DON'T SAY IT!" Remus, Peter and James all screamed unanimously.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Alright, this is as far as the original author goes. From here on all chapters are entirely mine (except from the usual disclaimer, of course… characters not mine, quotes from the film, etc…). Anywho, I hope you continue to enjoy the story :)


	6. Flunked Visits and Intruders

Chapter 6 - Flunked Visits and Intruders

* * *

"_**Now remember, these visits to Hogsmeade are a privilege," on screen Professor McGonagall was saying. "Should you behave or reflect on the school poorly, that privilege shall not be extended again."**_

"That's a new rule," commented Peter, finishing the last packet of popcorn.

"Think it has to do with us?" asked Sirius excitedly.

"Everything has to do with you lately, doesn't it Pads?" questioned Remus.

"Moony, you disappoint me," sighed Sirius dramatically making a Shakespearean pose. "How could you not know I'm the centre of the universe, Moony!? And here I was… thinking you were my friend!"

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius pretended to cry and James patted him on his back.

"See what you've done, Moony?" said James in mock accusation. "You have begun the Apocalypse!"

Remus stared.

"Want some sugar, Moony?" offered Peter, handing him a Sugar Quill.

"No, thanks, Wormtail," sighed Remus tiredly, as he pushed the candy away and James and Sirius broke into giggles at the sight of it. "I'm not that desperate… yet."

"_**No permission form signed, no visiting the village. That's the rule, Potter."**_

"WHAT!?" cried James and Sirius completely forgetting about the Sugar Quill.

"_**All those with permission follow me. Those without… stay put."**_

"You filthy… filthy… fiend!" cried James pointing at the screen. "What if it was your ugly cat without permission, eh? What then!?"

Sirius growled. "Wish I had chased her longer last full moon…"

"Why would the cat need a permission form?" Peter asked stupidly.

Remus raised his eyes to the ceiling. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that."

"What?" said Peter. "What did I say?"

"_**But Professor, I thought that if you signed it…"**_

"_**I can't sign. Only a parent or guardian can sign…"**_

Now it was James growling. "I'm serious… next time I see Lily's sister… well, let's just say accidents happen."

"I second the motion," agreed Sirius. "What do you think would happen if she suddenly fell from a fifth floor? Accidentally, of course."

"_**I'm sorry, Potter. But that's my final word."**_

"No!" wailed James. "C'mon McGonagall, you're better than that! You have to help him!"

"Prongs," said Remus sympathetically. "Complaining to the screen is not going to change matters."

James sank in his seat, and then sat up suddenly. "I got it! I'll get a permission form, and sign it, then leave it to Harry in my will! It's brilliant!"

"Sorry to break it on you, Prongsie," said Peter. "But I doubt the Dursleys will give it to him."

"Then I'm going to have a very serious talk with McGonagall the moment we're back in Hogwarts!"

"You go, Prongs!" cheered Sirius.

"Guys… the film," cut Remus. "Please?"

On screen, Harry was standing on the castle's door.

"Aw, look how sad he looks," whined Sirius.

"I'm a bad father," whimpered James. "I should have been there to sign the permission."

"Nah, don't blame yourself, James," Remus told him patting his shoulder. "I'll help you persuade McGonagall!"

"You will?" said James. "Moony, would you actually bend the rules?"

Remus nodded.

"Oh my God!" cried Sirius framing his face with his hands. "Moony is going to bend the rules! This is a historic moment in history!"

The other three looked at him.

"A historic moment in…"

"… history?"

"Hey! I didn't say anything about the hungry pigeons, Mr. Moon Pie!" cried Sirius accusingly.

"Fair enough, fair enough," said Remus waving his hand dismissively. "But quit it with the Mr. Moon Pie business, Lassie."

"That's low, Moony," said Sirius. "Low as in subway."

Suddenly, Harry's voice came from the screen.

"_**Professor, can I ask you something?"**_

"Since when is there a bridge in Hogwarts?" asked Sirius.

"It's Voldemort's conspiracy, Pads!" cried Jamaes dramatically. "He wants to confuse the students!"

Remus slapped his forehead and muttered darkly under his breath.

"What was that, Moony?" asked Peter.

"_**You want to know why I stopped you from facing that Boggart, yes?"**_

"No, Moony, that's not what I wanted to know," said Peter with a puzzled expression.

"How stupid can you get, Wormtail?" asked Sirius. "It's mustache-man talking on the screen."

"Moony are you like, a mind reader or something?" asked James worriedly.

"No, Prongs, I'm not," argued Remus. "And it's called Legilimens."

"Le-what?" said Sirus. "Since when do you speak French?"

Remus huffed in exasperation. "I do not speak French, Black. The art of entering someone's head is called Legillimency."

"Aaaaaah…" said Sirius. "Like mind-reading!"

"_**I thought it might be obvious,"**_ continued on screen Remus. _**"I assumed that it would take the shape of Lord Voldemort."**_

"No…" said Remus patiently. "The mind is not a book."

"Define book," said James mockingly narrowing his eyes.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm not about to do that."

"Fine," pouted Sirius. "Then I will. A book is an item that contains information."

"Sirius, really…" replied Remus pinching the bridge of his nose. "A lot of things contain information… a book is an item made of paper, and two covers: one in the front and one in the back. And it contains information."

"So does the mind," argued Peter.

"Not yours," said James making Sirius snigger.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"So, see, Moony?" said Sirius. "The mind, minus Peter's, can be read because it contains information just like a book, so the mind is a book. Albeit, a very squishy one…"

Remus sighed and threw his arms in the air. "I give up."

James whooped, and high-fived Sirius.

"… _**It means, Harry, that what you fear the most is fear itself. This is very wise…"**_

Remus blinked at his adult counterpart. "It's not wise… it doesn't even make sense!"

"Yes it does," argued Sirius. "It's just that your sugar-deprived mind doesn't hold the capacity to understand it."

Remus glared.

"_**You know, Harry… the first time I saw you I immediately knew who you were…"**_

"Am I the only one who's getting tired of hearing that same phrase?" asked James.

The old man behind them yawned.

"Guess not…"

"_**Not because of your scar… it was your eyes. They're your mother's. Lily."**_

Harry turned around to look at Remus with a surprised look on his face.

"_**Ah, yes… I knew her…"**_

"So did I!" cried Sirius.

"Really?" asked James. "I didn't…" he added sarcastically. "What was she like?"

Sirius smirked evilly. "Aw, she was hot, Prongs. Red hair, green eyes… the symbol of beauty itself… and at school there was a dork after her, and he had this goofy grin, and huge rodent teeth, and huge beer bottle glasses…"

"Alright that's enough…" grumbled James.

Peter and Remus sniggered.

"No really!" continued Sirius. "The guy was just… wrong. She loathed him, and said she would first kiss Snape than going out with him…"

"Padfoot, I'm warning you… I won't answer for any deaths…"

"Seriously, James…" started Remus. "The guy was everything the girl was not. She was pretty, he was hideous; she was smart, he was stupid; she had perfect sight, he wore huge beer bottle glasses; she had this hot body, he…"

"Hey, Remus!" cut James while Sirius and Peter snickered in the background. "I'm the only person in this planet, no… universe! allowed to say Lily's body is hot!"

"But I thought you didn't know her…" squeaked Peter.

James growled threateningly.

"Did I mention he had huge beer bottle glasses?"

"Oh, look!" cried Sirius to distract James. "They're back from Hogesmeade!"

"Already?" asked Peter.

"_**Honeydukes sweets shop is brilliant, but nothing beats Zonko's joke shop. We didn't get a chance to go to the Shrieking Shack, though. You heard that it's the most…"**_

"_**The most haunted building in Britain, yeah I know…"**_

"Did they just say 'Shrieking Shack'?" choked Remus.

"Yes they did," replied Peter.

"I didn't that think it would still be standing…" muttered Remus nervously.

"Chill, Moony," admonished Sirius. "There's no way on God's green Earth the students can relate that to you. They're stupid, you see? They can't even get into their common room!" he added when the sea of students stopped before the Fat Lady's portrait.

"_**What's going on?"**_

"_**Probably Neville forgot the password again."**_

"_**Hey!"**_

"In fact, Wormtail…" said James with a thoughtful expression on his face. "That actually reminds me of you."

"What? How come?"

"Yeah," said James. "Remember the time when the password was 'Parangaricutirimicuaro' and you couldn't remember it?"

Sirius burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Remus a little concerned. "You're not drugged again, are you?"

"Paranga… heeheehee, Parangari hahahaha!" Sirius fell to the floor. His three friends stared at him open-mouthed. Then suddenly Sirius sat up and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm alright now. The situation has been contained."

"Padfoot… what the…" started James. "Actually, never mind… I don't want to know."

"_**The Fat Lady! She's gone!"**_

"_**Serves her right. She was a terrible singer."**_

"At long last Ron says something smart," congratulated James. "Everyone clap for Ron!"

The four boys began clapping politely and Sirius suddenly began whistling.

"No need for bizarre sound effects, Pads," said Remus.

"Do not insult me, Moony," replied Sirius. "I'm a train.

Remus raised his eyebrows at him. "No comments."

While Sirius continued with his train stunt, making weird noises and whistling away, the other three turned back to watch the film, assuming Sirius was under the after effects of a sugar high.

_**"The Headmaster's here!"**_

_**"Move!"**_

"Whoa!" called Sirius pointing at the screen. "Hippy Dumbles is back!"

"Holy mother of crap!" cried James shielding his eyes. "Look at the size of those fingernails!"

"Snivellus should teach him some personal hygiene," commented Remus, transfixed by the dirty claws, ahem, fingernails.

"Dumbles is one crazy, crazy dude…"

"He's my idol!" cried Sirius, attempting to hug the screen. "I want to be like him when I grow up!"

"Sure, Pads," chuckled James. "'Cause you're such a little boy right now…"

"… _**find the Fat Lady…"**_

"_**There's no need for ghosts, Professor. The Fat lady's there."**_

"Tsk, tsk," chided James. "Naughty, naughty lady… playing hide and seek with the students, are we?"

"I want to play, too!!" cried Sirius cheerfully.

"Ok," said James. "You count to fifty, and the three of us, and the Fat Lady, will hide. Got it?"

Peter squeaked in delight. "Can I count next?"

"Rrrrright…" said Remus covering his face with his hand and turning away from them as if he didn't know them. "I shouldn't have suggested coming to the movies…"

"Aw, c'mon, Moony!" cried James shaking Remus' shoulder. "It'll be fun!"

"_**Dear Lady, who did this to you?"**_

"_**Eyes like the devil, he's got! And a soul as Dark as his name… it's him, Headmaster, the one they all talk about! He's here! Somewhere in the castle! Sirius Black!"**_

The four boys froze.


	7. Weedledom

**A/N: **A bit short this time, but my other story and college are eating me up. I'll have another chapter up soon, though. Thanks to the new readers! And thanks for adding the story to your favourites and alerts ^_^

* * *

**Chapter 7** - Weedledom

* * *

"_**Secure the caste, Mr. Filch. The rest of you! To the Great Hall!"**_

Harry stared at the portrait of the Fat Lady with something close to fear, though the Marauders remained frozen, staring at the screen with shock. Even a wolf howled in the background.

"Hold on a second…" muttered Remus looking at the door being barred. "If Sirius is really inside the castle, and they're closing the door, then they're trapping Sirius with the students!"

Sirius whimpered. "I suppose they can't bring themselves to let me escape," he said miserably.

The scene of the door switched to one of dementors floating around.

"Ack!" complained James trying to ease the tension. "The freaky flying robes are back."… and failing miserably.

James, Remus and Peter looked at Sirius, who had sunk all the way to the floor, and then shared a glance, the three with the same thought in their heads: 'We can't let him get depressed."

"You know, Pads…" Remus started saying. "It's only a film."

"Yeah," agreed Peter. "None of the things going on can happen in real life."

James stared at Peter. "Now, what's wrong with you? This is the second time today you've said something smart! Did you catch some weird disease or something?"

Sirius sniggered slightly. "Must have been the popcorn. Bet the popcorn girl added something to his… Poison, most likely."

James giggled. "I say we refrain from taking seriously anything we see, hear, or… em…"

"Taste?" suggested Remus with a smirk.

"I was going to say smell," replied James. "But that works just fine."

"You guys sure about this?" asked Sirius with concern as the scene switched to the Great Hall.

"You're my best mate, Pads," said James as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I know you, and I know that you would never dare to murder someone."

Sirius' mood changed in a jiffy. "Does that mean you love me, Prongsie?"

Remus and Peter rolled their eyes.

"'Course I do," cried James. "I love you, Pads!"

Sirius jumped from his seat on the floor and hugged James. James hugged him for a second and then pushed him away.

"Though Lily comes first," he stated.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Well yes, obviously."

"Good thing we agree," said James in a mock serious tone. Then he stuck out his hand and offered it to Sirius. "Deal?"

Sirius straightened up and cleared his throat, before taking James' hand. "Deal."

"Right, lovebirds," said Remus with a troubled look on his face. "Can we go back to the film?"

"Snivellus' has been talking for a while now," commented Peter. "It seems you did get to play Hide and Seek, Padfoot, they can't find you."

"_**You may recall, prior to the start of term, I did express my concern on the appointment of Professor Lup-"**_

"_**Not a single professor inside this castle would help Sirius Black to enter it."**_

Sirius growled. "Stupid overgrown shrunken head. Moony would never do anything to harm the students. Not even if it were me asking him to!"

Remus smiled. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pads. Though, one thing… how can a shrunken head be overgrown?"

"Allow me to introduce you to the Magical World, Moony," answered James sarcastically. "Moony, this is Magical World. Magical World, this is Moony…"

Remus smacked James on the back of his head.

"_**What about Potter? Should he be warned?"**_

"_**Perhaps. But for now, let him sleep. For in dreams we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let him swim in the deepest ocean, or glide over the highest cloud."**_

James stared. "Is Dumbledore on crack tonight? Or LSD?"

"Weed, Prongs," corrected Sirius. "You call it weed."

"Look! That blasted tree's back!" announced Sirius pointing at the screen.

"Evil bird killer," growled James.

"May I ask what the point is in following a falling leaf as it falls?" questioned Sirius.

"Well, I'd very much like to know how a falling leaf falling upwards would work," commented Remus playing with an empty packet of popcorn, and throwing it a mile away from him when he realized it was the packet Peter had been licking.

"What? Did the packet bite you or something?" asked James with concern.

Remus shot James a look. "Yeah, it did, Prongs. My furry little problem now includes sprouting popcorn every full moon."

"Would you mind if I ate some of that stuff?" asked Sirius with a hopeful tone of voice.

"Disgusting, Pads," replied Remus scrunching up his nose.

"Bat!" cried Peter suddenly, covering his eyes in fear.

"Nah…" said James. "It's just Snivellus. Though closing the windows does enhance his bat-like nature."

"DUN DUN DUUUN!" cried Sirius at the top of his lungs.

The Snape on the film walked to the front of the classroom and glared menacingly at the students before pulling on a string.

"Whooo! An evil looking screen!" pointed James.

"Maybe it's a Dementor's bride!" added Remus conversationally.

"DUN DUN DUUUN!" repeated Sirius for effect. Remus frowned at him.

"_**Turn to page three-hundred and ninety four."**_

"Remind me again, Moony," said James with a puzzled frown. "Since when are there more than three hundred pages in a Potions book, and since when are there windows in the dungeons?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "A lot of Potions books have over three hundred pages, Prongs. As for the windows, maybe the class had to move to a higher level of the castle because the dungeons reek of Snape."

"DUN DUN DUUUN!"

"Stop it," chided Remus.

"_**Excuse me, sir. Where is Professor Lupin?"**_

"DUN DUN DUUUN!"

"Enough," said Remus through clenched teeth. "Though I'd like to know why this has started to look like Snivellus' teaching my class."

"It doesn't look like it," corrected James. "He is teaching your class."

"That slime ball!" cried Peter in outrage.

"DUN DUN DUUUN!"

"Sirius!"

"_**That is not really your concern, is it, Potter?"**_

"Oi! No talking to my son like that!"

"Wow," said Remus. "Long time since you last defended your clone."

"Well, he hadn't been harassed by overgrown bats for a while," defended James. Then… "Hey! What do you mean _clone_!?"

"_**Suffice it to say that your professor finds himself incapable of teaching at the present time. Turn to page three hundred and ninety four."**_

"Incapable of… uh-oh," grimaced Remus.

"Dun dun duun?" said Sirius hesitantly.

"This isn't funny anymore, Pads," frowned Remus at the time Snape neared a dangerous looking device and tapped it with his wand. He then brandished it in Ron's direction and the book flew open at a certain page.

"_**Werewolves?"**_

Remus paled and grabbed his seat for support. "This is not happening, this is not happening," he chanted in some sort of mantra.

Sirius scowled. "That little bast-"

"_**We're not meant to start that for weeks,"**_** said Hermione with a frown.**

"_**Quiet."**_

"And where did she come from?" asked Peter.

"I thought we had already established that this film makes no sense at all, Wormtail?" reminded Sirius.

"And that we were not going to take anything in it seriously," chirped James looking pointedly at Remus.

Remus smiled sheepishly and sat up in his seat. "True. But that doesn't change that the grease monkey is trying to expose my screen self to the students."

On screen, Hermione was bursting to speak up with an answer to one of Snape's questions. As usual, Snape did not acknowledge her but she spoke up anyways.

"_**An Animagus is a wizard who elects to turn himself into an animal. A werewolf has no choice."**_

"Tell me about it," said Remus raising his eyes to the ceiling. The other three chortled.

"Furthermore, a werewolf will answer only to the call of his own kind."

Malfoy howled.

The four boys gave the blond a look.

"He's not very smart, is he?" asked Peter.

"You're one to talk, Wormtail," chirped James.

"All that howl's going to attract is a gnome in mating season," commented Sirius. The four laughed.

"… _**or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"**_

"Ouch," said James.

"I actually feel sorry for her," agreed Remus.

"_**He's got a point, you know?"**_

"Some friend Ron turned out to be," commented Peter.

"But he's right," argued Sirius.

"Naturally," added James.

Remus rolled his eyes at his friends and wondered how on earth he had ended up with them.


	8. Quidditch, or so they say

**A/N: **Sorry guys, I know I deserve to be killed for the wait. Life's been hectic, but apparently it wasn't hectic enough… sure, as if college, my boyfriend, social life, corruption, drug wars, executions, kidnappings and an economical crisis weren't enough now we get an influenza epidemic topped by an earthquake ¬¬

For those of you who didn't already know, I live in Mexico, though thankfully not in Mexico City. I live up north in Monterrey… though the flu caught up with us already, classes are cancelled nation-wide and everyone is stuck inside their houses hoping not to catch the flu. Gawds it feels like the apocalypse at moments. Still, that's no excuse for forgetting humour… if everyone here is managing to joke about the epidemic, updating this story shouldn't be so hard.

Thanks to KKool for bringing me back to earth this morning!!

* * *

**Chapter 8 – **Quidditch… or so they say

* * *

"Look! It's an airplane!" cried Sirius pointing at the little white thing Malfoy set free.

"No! It's a shooting star!" corrected James.

"It's Superman!" cried Peter.

"It's a crane!" said Remus with his face buried in his hands.

"… _**two rolls of parchment on the werewolf, with emphasis on recognizing it."**_

"_**But, sir, it's Quidditch tomorrow."**_

"Yeah! It's Quidditch tomorrow!" agreed Remus. "No need in leaving them a homework on recognizing werewolves."

"_**Then I suggest you take extra care, Mr. Potter. Loss of limb will not excuse you. Page three hundred and ninety four."**_

"Sucked up shrunken head," grumbled Sirius.

"I wish Snivellus wouldn't get so close to Harry," frowned James at the close proximity between teacher and student. "He might get covered in slime."

"Who? Harry or Snivelly?"

James hit Sirius on the back of his head.

"You better not go choosing a cross-dresser over my son," threatened James, thinking back to the incident with the Boggart.

"Harry's opening the crane now," interrupted Remus a bit loudly and stopping a confrontation. "He doesn't look happy either."

"I can tell why," said James, as the camera focused on a cartoon of Harry being struck by lightning and a bludger while on a Quidditch game. "That drawing is positively horrendous," he added, as the cartoon transformed into the real Quidditch game.

"Whoo! Quidditch!" wailed James, while Sirius whistled and Peter clapped.

"Yippee…" said Remus dryly.

"Aw, Moony…" whined Peter. "Lighten up! Have a Sugar Quill!" he added, holding out three of the aforementioned sweets.

James and Sirius jumped on top of the Sugar Quills the moment they laid eyes on them and stuck them into their mouths. Remus grimaced.

"How many of those things did you bring?" he asked warily, declining the sugar and giving up on keeping his friends on a sugar-free diet.

Peter's cheeks acquired a pink tinge. "I brought a box of fifty…"

"_WHAT!?"_

"Peter!" cried James, once the sugar had started to take effect. "You clever rat! Pass that box!"

Sirius was too busy drooling and ogling at Peter's bag to speak.

"Objection!" cried Remus, waking up the old couple that had fallen asleep a few moments before. "I object!"

"What to?" asked James, while trying to distract Sirius' attention from the bag, but failing miserably.

"You're not getting your hands on that box!" argued Remus, snatching Peter's bag from his hands.

Peter whimpered.

"B-b-but…" stammered James like a scolded child.

"No," stated Remus. "And stop staring Sirius! It's rude."

Sirius whimpered like a lost puppy.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Your tricks won't work on me, Sniffles. I said no, and that is final. Now, watch the movie."

"Quidditch!" giggled Sirius.

"A monsoon, more like," said Peter sucking on his own Sugar Quill and watching the tremendous amount of water falling.

When Harry came into view, Sirius started wailing. "Aarrgh!!! A giant bug! It's going to eat me!"

Remus held the bag closer to him. "That's not a bug, Pads. It's Harry! Though those goggles are a teeny bit huge."

"Jimmy!" wailed Sirius, throwing himself at James and shaking him by the shoulders. "Harry's gonna eat me!"

James pushed Sirius to the floor. "Don't be ridiculous, Padfoot. Harry's not a cannibal."

"Not to mention he's on screen…" grumbled Remus, slowly hiding Peter's bag under his own seat, trying not to attract Sirius' attention.

"Go, Harry!" called James, as Harry zoomed around the screen looking for the snitch. "Do your father proud!"

Sirius shook himself like a dog that was previously soaked with water, and jumped back to his seat. He stood up and bouncing on the balls of his feet began chanting with the crowd at the yellow and red robed players.

"Go! Go! Go!"

"Sirius, sit!" ordered Remus.

Sirius stared reproachfully at his friend. "What am I? A dog?"

"YES!"

Sirius pouted and let himself fall on his seat, rolling the Sugar Quill around his mouth with his tongue.

"Who's Harry playing?" asked Peter.

"By their yellow robes…" said Remus with a mock thoughtful expression. "I'd say… Slytherin!" he cried sarcastically.

Peter blinked, puzzled. "But… I thought Slytherin wore green…"

Remus smacked his forehead, just when Harry and the Hufflepuff seeker spotted the Snitch and began chasing after it.

"Hey!" cried James suddenly. "Harry and the other kid left the pitch! That's not allowed!"

Remus shook his head. "So long as it makes the film exciting, Hollywood won't care about the rules, James."

"What does it matter?" scoffed Sirius. "Harry never gets scolded… or ordered to sit! Like a dog!"

"Get over it, Pads," Remus rolled his eyes. "Besides… wait, why's Harry turning like a mad corkscrew?" he asked when Harry started to fly in odd directions.

James coughed importantly. "It's an upwards Wronski Feint."

His three friends looked at James as if he'd suddenly sprouted fins on his head. "Wronski Feint?"

"More like… an out of course spin-the-bottle…"

"Or a yo-yo!" cried Sirius happily.

The marauders frowned at him.

"What?" Sirius defended himself. "Haven't you tried one of those? After the first try they never come up again! And they bang on your toes!"

Peter and Remus exchanged a glance. "Oookaaay…"

"Harry doesn't fly like a yo-yo…" said James reproachfully.

"Nope, not at all," assured Remus. "He just has a very bad anti-gravitational case. Up, up, and up he goes!"

Peter and Sirius laughed.

"Bad anti-gravitational case?" repeated Sirius, so loud that his voice echoed throughout the entire room. "How dare you, Moony? Prongslet flies as well as his daddy here! Swallowing Snitches and landing headfirst are among the few Quidditch moves not even professionals dare to try! He's an awesome flyer! Just look at how the Snitch can evade him so easily! He's amazing! And look at how skilfully he dodges lightning and dives into clouds so he gets even wetter! Wow!"

"Sirius seems to be on cloud 9, don't you thinks so, Moony?" commented Peter, watching James seethe.

"Quite literally, too," added Remus, watching the screen, where a cloud had taken the shape of an enormous grim. "What are you doing up there, Pads? Looks like you wanna do Harry in after all."

James tightened his grip on his seat.

"Well," argued Sirius. "He did try to eat me!"

"He was not going to eat you, Padfoot!" cried James in exasperation.

"Snitch!" cried Sirius pointing at the screen, when the golden ball flew in front of Harry's face and he completely missed it.

"Aw, come on!" groaned James. "Even Wormtail could have caught that!"

"Yeah!" agreed Peter. "Hey… wait a sec- what's happening to the broom?" he asked, watching a crust of something transparent materialize on the handle with slight crackles.

"Is Harry's broom supposed to be freezing?" said Remus suddenly.

"I think it is…" said James worriedly, while Sirius kicked Peter's bag from underneath Remus' seat. "Merlin! Harry's gonna freeze to death!"

"Like Jack in Titanic!" cried Sirius, smuggling as many Sugar Quills as he could while Remus was distracted.

"Was that _blood_ on Harry's face!?" cried James in alarm. "Why is Harry bleeding!?"

"Oh no!" wailed Sirius. "Harry's gonna both freeze and bleed to death! This is so awful, Prongsie!"

"Shut up, Pads!"

"Do you think Harry's blood will freeze before he bleeds it all out? Or will he bleed before freezing?"

"Not helping the situation, Moony!" cried James, while the others sniggered.

"Umbrella attack!" exclaimed Sirius at the flying object on screen, two Sugar Quills in his mouth.

"What is an umbrella doing up in the air?"

"Forget about the umbrella… what is a curtain doing up in the air?" asked Remus.

"Which curtain?" frowned James.

"That one!" cried Remus pointing at the screen. "The one following Harry around like he's carrying a magnet."

"Ah, Mr. Moonpie!" said Sirius. "But that's just not any curtain!"

"The evil ragged curtains of doom!" cried Peter pointing at the screen.

"No, no, Wormtail," lectured Sirius. "You say… The evil ragged curtains of DOOOOOM!!!"

"Nah," said James. "They're… The evil ragged black curtains of DOOOOOOM!!! Wait… The evil ragged black curtains of DOOOOOOM!!! Fly away, Harry! They want to suck the blur out of you!"

"There's two over there!" shrieked Sirius, smashing a third Sugar Quill into his mouth.

"Three!" aided Remus, pointing at the screen. "Oh, there goes a fourth!"

"Hey! Harry's doing the yo-yo move!" pointed Peter. "He's falling!"

"He's not falling," trembled James, starting to chew on his fingernails while Harry flew around the Dementors. "He's evading the curtains."

"Tough luck," muttered Remus, when a Dementor popped up just before Harry and opened its round, stinking mouth.

"AAARRGH!!!" cried Sirius, recoiling in his seat. "That's disgusting!"

"Pads," chided Remus, purposely ignoring the pale shade acquired by James. "There's no need to say that! It's not Harry's fault that he looks like Prongs."

James gave him a shaky glare. "I told you he looks nothing like me!"

Remus gave James a once-over and sensed imminent danger to his person. "Would you like a Sugar Quill, Prongs? Two?" he asked, feeling the ground beneath his seat to find Peter's bag gone. "What the-Sirius!"

Sirius gave the werewolf the most innocent look he could muster, while trying to swallow the three quills currently stuck in his mouth. "What?"

"Harry's falling!" cried James suddenly, acting as if there were ants in his seat.

"I told you it was the yo-yo move!" insisted Peter.

"Sirius give me back the sugar!"

"NO! My precious! My precious!"

"_**Aresto Momentum!"**_

"HARRY!"

"SIRIUS!"

"MY PRECIOUS!"

"ENOUGH!" squeaked Peter, throwing his arms in the air. The cinema went deadly quiet. And dark.

James, Sirius, and Remus looked at him open-mouthed.

"How did you…"

"Aren't you a bit old for accidental magic?"

"How…?"

Peter seemed to shrink in his seat. "Too much excitement?" he suggested with a small voice.


	9. Moony's Closet

**A/N: **My only excuse is that I've been working non-stop on my other story and on its sequel, so apologies my dear readers =/

**

* * *

Chapter 9 -** Moony's Closet

* * *

The sound slowly began to return to the cinema. The Weasley brothers and Neville Longbottom showed up in the screen, commenting on Harry's state.

**"**_**He fell from over a hundred feet."**_

**"**_**Yeah, c'mon, Ron, let's walk you off the Astronomy Tower and see what you look like."**_

"I agree," stated Sirius.

**"**_**Probably a right sight better than he normally does."**_

"I agree with that, too!" cried Sirius cheerfully, clapping his hands like a small boy.

James let out a breath he'd been holding. "He's okay… Harry's fine."

"Who says so?" asked Remus. "Ron said he looked peaky."

"Peaky is not the same as in injured," pointed Peter.

"Thanks, Wormtail," said James sincerely. "You two could learn something from him!" he told Sirius and Remus.

They both looked at him as if he were crazy.

"Learn from Wormtail?"

"What exactly? The ten different ways of trembling in fear? Or how to drool excessively while asleep?"

James sniggered.

Peter sniffed disdainfully. "I did bring the box of Sugar Quills."

"Sirius! The sugar! Now!" demanded Remus, extending an arm across from James so his fingertips were nearly touching Sirius' nose.

Sirius growled, and snapped his teeth at Remus' hand, trying to bite him.

"Sirius! What in the-"

"Grrrr," growled Sirius, holding Peter's bag to his chest as if it were his puppy. "My sugar!"

**"**_**No one blames you, Harry."**_

"For what?" frowned James. "What are they talking about?"

"Well, if you'd been paying attention…" grumbled Remus, looking warily at Sirius, who had started to caress the box of Sugar Quills and was growling protectively. "Something about who won the match."

**"**_**The dementors aren't supposed to be on the grounds. Dumbledore's furious."**_

"Well, that's all nice and sassy," groaned James. "But who won the bloody match?"

**"**_**There's something else you need to know, Harry…"**_

Ron went on presenting Harry with a bundle and explaining his broom's fate. Harry looked in dismay at the broken pieces of wood.

Sirius let out a wail of pain. "That was an awesome broom! It was so balanced, and shiny! Oooow! The sucky curtains did this! They'll pay for it, I swear!" he proceeded to cry on top of the bag.

James' lip quivered.

Remus took pity on them.

**"**_**Is there no chance of fixing it?"**_

"Of course there's not, Moony!" wailed Sirius.

"Look!" cried Peter. "Onscreen-Moony's back!"

Remus groaned and tried to make himself invisible, while his three friends forgot all about the broken Nimbus and prepared for another bout of teasing their favourite DADA professor of all times.

"Hey, Moony… what is it that you're wearing?" asked Peter, squinting at the screen. "Looks a bit old…"

Sirius giggled. "It's a tatty old curtain, get it?"

"Get what?" asked James, puzzled.

"Moony's DADA professor," explained Sirius before losing all composure. "So he uses tatty old curtains as his clothes… he must have a closet full of them!"

James burst out laughing. "So Dementors come out of a closet! That explains a lot!"

**"**_**Professor, why do the Dementors affect me so? I mean… more than anyone else?"**_

"They like you, Harry!" wailed Sirius, while Remus repeatedly banged his head against his armrest.

"The blurness has acquired a whole new meaning!"

"Now we know the real reason behind the Dementor's Kiss! They come out of Moony's closet!"

Remus groaned, and James, Sirius and Peter fell off their seats in a fresh bout of hysterics. Remus groaned in despair.

"Not you, too, Wormtail! You can't let the sugar win!"

**"**_**Listen. Dementors are among the foulest creatures to roam this earth."**_

"That doesn't stop you from wearing them, moustache-man!" cried Sirius to the screen.

**"**_**They feed on every good feeling, every good memory… until a person is left with absolutely nothing but his worst experiences."**_

"Does a razor ring any bells, Moony?" chuckled James, prodding Remus' knee.

Remus growled, and in a swift motion snatched Peter's bag off Sirius' seat. "I got the quills! I got the quills!" he chanted.

"Hey!" cried Sirius, then to James. "What did you give him?"

James gave his best friend his best innocent face. "Me? How dare you accuse me of something so vile, Padfoot?" he asked dramatically, while going back to his seat.

Sirius followed his lead. "Oh, I don't know… maybe because you drugged me once already?" he suggested sarcastically.

"Hey!" squeaked Peter from the floor. "Sarcasm-"

"… is the lowest form of wit," completed Sirius rolling his eyes. "I get it, Wormtail… but that's what makes it so much fun!"

Remus frowned at Sirius. "So I start chanting and you immediately assume that I'm drugged!?"

"Is there any other way to make you chant?" James raised his eyebrows. Screen-Remus' robes suddenly parted to reveal the grey suit underneath. "Or to make you wear such a hideous suit!?"

Remus' attention snapped back to the screen. "That's a suit!? It looks like bloody elephant skin!"

"I insist someone picked you up from World War II, Moony," said Sirius shaking his head at Screen-Remus' dress code. "First the moustache, then the music, then the tatty curtains, and now this!"

"You're not helping the situation, Padfoot," said Remus through clenched teeth.

"You forgot the coconutish-hairstyle," supplied Peter with a grin.

"Womrtail!"

James burst out laughing and high-fived Peter. "Good one!"

Sirius, however, was perfectly confused. "What's so funny?"

"Never mind, Pads," replied Remus, raising his eyes to the ceiling.

On screen, Harry was asking Remus to teach him how to fight dementors. Remus, though, was giving him excuses.

**"**_**I don't pretend to be an expert, Harry… but since the dementors seem to have developed an interest in you…"**_

Sirius and Remus burst out laughing.

"Hey, guys," said Sirius breathless from laughing. "Do you think the dementors have some sort of Potter fan club?"

"Oi!" objected James. "What exactly are you suggesting, Sirius?"

Remus sniggered, seeing an opening to get his revenge. "Ah, you know, Prongs… young love…"

"And love strikes every one!" chimed Peter.

"I know that!" cried James in exasperation. "But… love-struck _dementors_?"

The other three burst out laughing.


	10. A Map to Find Them All

**A/N:** Why not another one? Now that we're into it......

**

* * *

Chapter 10 - **A Map to Find them All

* * *

The scene changed from Harry and moustache-man talking, to Hedwig flying into a snowfall, and the snow-covered grounds of Hogwarts.

"Wowie…" gasped Sirius. "It's like a postcard!"

"As if you'd never seen it like that before," huffed Remus, amused.

"Happy Christmas!" shouted James into the empty room.

"Wow," commented Remus, when a huge clock came into view with Harry standing behind it. "He doesn't look like the Christmassy type, does he?"

**"**_**Last call for Hogsmeade! Come on, now!"**_

Remus made an 'Oh' with his mouth. "That explains it."

"This is sad," squeaked Peter. "Not going to Hogsmeade during Christmas time is like having no Christmas at all!"

"Wormtail," said James warily. "You have to stop saying smart things 'cause you're seriously starting to freak me out."

"Sad?" echoed Sirius. "I'll tell you what's bloody sad! It's sad that Mini Prongs doesn't have the head or the guts to sneak into Hogsmeade!"

James was about to come in defence of his son, but he thought better about it. "You're right! He's the son of a Marauder! He should be looking for a way to get into Hogsmeade!" He proceeded to touch his fingers to his temples and attempt to communicate with the Harry onscreen through telepathy.

Remus and Peter raised their eyebrows at their friend. Sirius smirked.

"Ah, revenge is sweet… tastes like chocolate!"

"Padfoot… what the hell did you do?"

"Um… nothing he hasn't done to me himself, Mr. Moonpie," replied Sirius, tossing the remains of a familiar blue pill over his shoulder. He turned to the screen and frowned. "What is it with the freaky foot prints?"

"AH-HA!" cried James suddenly, startling everyone. "It worked! Our father-son link works!

Remus looked scared. "Prongs, what are you talking about?"

James' eyes acquired an insane glint. "Don't you see, Moony? That's Harry under my cloak! He's going to sneak in!"

Peter laughed uneasily.

"That's stupid!" cried Sirius. "And he's walking into a pair of redheads and a snowman… how are they not going to notice footprints, I ask thee?"

"Meh," said Remus. "He gets points for trying."

James randomly began croaking like a frog and staring off into space.

"You drugged him, didn't you?" asked Remus suspiciously.

Sirius had to bite his fist to stop himself from sniggering at James. "It does have a very strange effect on him, doesn't it?"

"This is not the time for experiments!"

"Hey…" said James in a daze. "What are those two doing? Why are they pulling Harry back into the castle!? He's invisible!"

"Sorry to break it on you, pal, but those footprints were very visible."

**"**_**Clever, Harry."**_

**"**_**But not clever enough!"**_

"That's what I say!" agreed Sirius.

**"**_**Besides, we've got a better way."**_

James moaned. "There's no better way…"

**"**_**Let me go!"**_

**"**_**Aw, bless him."**_

**"**_**Now, Harry…"**_

**"**_**Come and join the big boys."**_

"That sounds seriously scary," commented Remus.

The Weasley twins then threw Harry on a rickety wooden staircase and pulled off his invisibility cloak.

James groaned and collapsed in his seat with a pout. "No fair… they just blew his cover." He pulled off his shoe to the amusement of Sirius and started shouting through it as if it were a walkie-talkie. "You're busted, Harry… abort the mission, you hear me, son?"

Remus covered his ears and growled at James. "Damn it, Prongs, stop it! Padfoot! Why the hell did you have to drug him?"

Sirius collapsed into a fit of giggles.

**"**_**What are you doing?! What's this rubbish?"**_

**"'**_**What's this rubbish?' he says."**_

The four marauders gasped.

"How dare he call that rubbish?"

"Is that what I think it is?" asked James, drugs and shoe forgotten.

"It looks like it…" whispered Sirius in awe. "Just a little less crumpled than I remember it."

"But how did they…?"

**"**_**That there, is the secret to our success,**" _said Fred… or George.

**"**_**It's a wrench giving it to you, believe me,"** _said the second twin.

**"**_**But we've decided your needs are greater than ours."**_

"Finally someone realizes that," grumbled Sirius. James swiped at Sirius but fell to the floor instead. Sirius burst out laughing.

"Sshhhh!" hushed both Remus and Peter.

**"**_**George, if you will…"** _said Fred.

**"**_**I solemnly swear-"** _began George.

"-THAT I'M UP TO NO GOOD!" chorused the four marauders. "IT IS! IT'S OUR BLOODY MAP!"

"HOLY HIPOGRIFF SHI-"

"I don't believe it!"

"How did it end up in _their _hands!?"

Onscreen, the blank piece of parchment that Harry held in his hands transformed into a picture of Hogwarts with the caption: _The Marauder's Map._

**"**_**Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map."**_

The Marauders whooped, clapped, and James and Sirius shook hands: grinning like idiots and bowing exaggeratedly to an imaginary public.

**"**_**We owe them so much."**_

Harry eagerly hurried to open the map to examine it and sounded confused when he saw little banners with names on them floating about. _**"Hang on… this is Hogwarts…"**_

"Of course it is!" exclaimed Sirius. "Honestly, boy… why would we have a map of anything else?"

"We could have a map of Hogsmeade…" suggested Peter shyly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Shut up, Peter, you're not allowed to make attempts at trying to outsmart me."

James and Remus sniggered at Peter's squeak.

Meanwhile, onscreen Harry and the Weasley twins were speaking of how Dumbledore didn't leave his study and was always pacing.

"What do you think our Headmaster dearest does all day?" asked James with a wheeze, still not completely out of his drugged state. "Do you think there's a tree anywhere in his office? He may like to go tree-hugging…"

Sirius' eyes widened. "You know, Prongs, that may be it! He hasn't got any papers to grade, or a Wizarding world to protect, so maybe he spends his whole day pacing around a tree! You're a genius, mate!" he added sarcastically.

James smiled like a Ron Weasley on Christmas day. "I am, aren't I?"

Remus sighed and Peter slapped his forehead, but ended up hitting his eye instead. Remus burst out laughing.

**"**_**So this map shows…?"**_

**"**_**Everyone."**_

**"**_**Everyone?"**_

**"**_**Everyone."**_

**"**_**Where they are."**_

**"**_**What they're doing."**_

**"**_**Every minute."**_

**"**_**Of every day."**_

"Didn't know we were that good," commented Remus to himself. Sirius heard him.

"Blasphemy!" he cried dramatically.

"Twin-talk's scary…" said James randomly, cowering in his seat. The other three ignored him.

"Sacrilege!" ranted Sirius. "I can't believe you would say that, Moonpie! After all these years… you've gone far this time, Moony! I forgave you when you told me to wash my socks, but this is another level!"

Remus rolled his eyes and then used the box of Sugar Quills to hit Sirius. "Stop being so dramatic, Lassie. I only said that because we surpassed my expectative of ourselves, and it was pretty high already."

"Bookworm."

"Dog."

"Shrimp."

"Plague."

"Idiot."

"Lassie."

"Geek."

"Wormtail."

"…"

Peter turned away from the screen where the Weasley twins were explaining to Harry how they had nicked the map from Filch's office. "Wha…?"

"What did you just call me, Moony?" asked Sirius in a dangerously low voice.

Remus smirked evilly. "Wormtail! I called you Wormtail!"

Sirius growled and got ready to pounce. "How dare you insult me like that!?"

"Hey!" cried Peter indignantly. "_Wormtail_'s not an insult!"

James gasped and covered his heart with his hand. "Peter! How dare you say _that _word?"

"Yeah, Pete, that's the worse insult by far. No need to get so sailor mouthed all of a sudden," agreed Remus, ignoring Sirius' attempt to jump on him and landing in the front row of seats instead. "If I had a bar of soap, I'll chuck it down your throat."

Peter shifted his gaze from James to Remus, and looked confused. "But you just said it, too, Moony!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"I have a bar of soooooaaaap!" sang Sirius, waving from the row of seats in front of them. "I aaaalways carry oooone with meee! Just, don't ask why…"

James rubbed his head and exchanged a glance with Remus. Both shrugged.

Peter whimpered.

Remus sighed. "Stop being such a baby and watch the film."

"But…"

"Now!"

The four boys turned back to the screen when Fred and George were telling Harry about the best passage to Hogsmeade, and that Filch was roaming near.

**"**_**And don't forget. When you're done, just give it a tap and say:-"**_

"Mischief Managed!" chorused the four once again.

"We're geniuses," commented James with a triumphant grin.

"The very best," agreed Remus with a proud smile.

Sirius nodded. "Oh, yes, all of us. Except Wormtail."

Peter looked scandalized. "_That_ word is a terrible insult, Padfoot! Don't say it again!"

James chuckled. "_Wormtail'_s not an insult, Wormtail. Whoever told you it was?"

"You did!"

Remus looked confused. "No we didn't."

Peter pulled on his hair. "Stop messing with my head! You told me just now!"

Sirius propped his chin on the back of a seat. "You've got issues, mate. We have been watching the film all along. Honestly."

James, Sirius and Remus turned back to the screen shaking their heads at their crazy friend. Peter scrunched up his face. Had it really been his imagination? Maybe he was going mad…

The other three Marauders had to bite their tongues to stop themselves from bursting out laughing.


	11. The Bet

* * *

**Chapter 11 - **The Bet

* * *

The image on the screen switched from the map to a trapdoor in a dusty basement. The four Marauders looked confused until Harry's eyes peeked through the thin opening.

"Oh, I get it now," said Remus. "That's supposed to be Honeydukes' basement."

"I don't remember it like that," frowned James. "Far as I know, the floor was wooden, and the walls were green, not padded. And there were boxes everywhere, not cauldrons-"

"How the hell do you remember that, Prongs?" asked Peter. "All I can remember is that I have to turn right to go up."

"Well, that's just you, Pete," replied Sirius. "Everyone else knows that the owner's favourite colour is green."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"What did I tell you about attempts at trying to outsmart me?"

"Sorry."

James and Remus laughed.

Harry had climbed out of the trapdoor by now, had put on his Invisibility Cloak and was in the process of climbing stairs. Since he was invisible, the only clue the Marauders had of this fact was that a box full of stuff fell over.

"That was pretty stupid," commented Sirius.

"My son's not stupid," argued James.

Sirius gave him a pointed look. "He could have just given himself away."

James huffed. "Killjoy."

"Suugaaar!!!" cried Sirius, when the shop was revealed.

Remus stared warily at his three friends. Their gazes were fixated on the screen. Peter had begun to drool.

"Almost paaaradiiiseee!" sang Sirius. "We're knocking on Heaaavens doooor!"

"Almost paaaradiisee!" James sang along. "How could we ask fooor moooreee?"

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. "I need a drink."

"We've got Sugar Quills," offered Peter.

Remus narrowed his eyes at him. "Alcohol. Inhibition. Not over-awareness. I don't think I'll cope with those two till the end of the film."

"You've coped with us for the last five years," nodded James. "What's a few more hours?"

"The sole difference between life and death," grumbled Remus through clenched teeth.

"AAARGHH!!!" cried Sirius suddenly, covering his eyes. "The scary little boy! He's holding heart-shaped, pink cotton candy! AAARGHH!!!"

"Get a grip, Padfoot," said Remus dryly.

"Hey, guys, let's play a game," suggested James.

"Which game?" asked Peter.

James tapped his chin with his fingers. "I spy… wait! What's that?" he said suddenly, pointing at the red lollipop that Neville was holding.

"That looks like a floating red lollipop," replied Peter matter-of-factly, once invisible Harry had snatched it from Neville.

"You're really good at stating the obvious, aren't you, Pete?" asked Sirius dryly.

Peter huffed. "Well, James asked," he defended himself.

James gave him an exasperated look. "Do I look like the kind of guy who wouldn't recognize a floating red lollipop? Wait, don't answer that."

Remus closed his mouth, disappointed.

"Well, Harry stole it," pointed Peter. "Stealing from other kids is rude."

"So?" questioned Sirius. "We do it all the time, and everyone blames it on nargles."

"What are nargles?" frowned Remus.

"Notimportant," answered Sirius in a rush.

"I meant," began James with a sigh, "what kind of lollipop is it?"

"Blood pop?" suggested Sirius.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Just because it's red doesn't mean that it's made of blood," he clarified.

On screen, Harry bumped into a kid. The kid looked back in confusion at the haunted, red, probably-blood pop that floated past him. Then, the scene switched to Ron and Hermione commenting on the Shrieking Shack.

"_It's meant to be the most haunted building in Britain. Did I mention that?"_

"Well, that's quite the romantic site for a date," commented Remus with a grimace.

"I don't think they're dating," said Peter doubtfully.

James snorted. "Oh, pleaaasee, Wormtail! It couldn't be more obvious! Those two have the hots for each other, there's no questioning it."

"_Do you want to move a bit closer?"_

"See what I mean?" asked James with a smirk.

Sirius laughed. "It's like a reload of Harry and Buckbeak!"

"_Huh?"_ said Ron, utterly nonplussed.

Remus shook his head. "Stop pretending, Ginger, you've been waiting for her to say that for years."

"_To the Shrieking Shack?"_

Three out of four Marauders slumped in their seats.

"Just when it was starting to get interesting," complained Sirius.

"Pads, if you want to watch a soap-opera, just turn on a Muggle TV," said Remus, shaking his head.

"What's a TV?"

"Never mind."

"_Actually, I'm fine here."_

"Coward," smirked Sirius.

"_Well, well, look who's here."_

"Even bigger coward," grimaced James. "That's Malfoy, the bloody wimp."

"_You two shopping for your new dream home?"_

Sirius tilted his head to the side. "Well, at least even that prat notices the tension between them. Shame on you, Wormtail."

Peter groaned.

"_Don't your family sleep all in one room?"_

The Marauders gasped. "That was vile!"

"Malfoy looks like he's wearing Drumstrang's latest fashion."

"And the point of that comment was?"

"And Crabbe looks like the guy from Michelin," realized Remus. Being half-blood he knew a bit about cars. "You know, the white snowman-like creature that is apparently made up from tires?"

His statement was met by a general, "_HUH?_"

Remus sighed. "Never mind, never mind… I bet Lily would have understood."

"_Boys, I think it's time we teach Weasel-Bee how to respect his superiors."_

"_Hope you don't mean yourself!"_

"_How dare you talk to me? You filthy little Mudblood!"_

The Marauders' replies of indignation were cut short by a flying snowball that almost hit Malfoy on his face.

"Where did that come from?" asked James.

"I don't know," replied Sirius, looking around the empty cinema. "There's no snow here."

Remus shook his head at him. "Of all things, Padfoot…"

On screen, Malfoy had turned around and was frantically looking for the person who had thrown the snowball at him. Unfortunately for him, there didn't seem to be anyone in the area.

"_Who is that?"_

"That's what I'd like to know," said James.

His answer was another snowball to the face. James laughed, "Whose turn is it now to respect his superiors, eh, Malfoy?"

More and more snowballs kept hitting Malfoy and his cronies, and then the unseen phenomenon moved on to Goyle's hat and Crabbe's pants.

"Nice boxers, fatso," commented Sirius.

"That ghost is a little deprived," pointed James, grimacing at the sight.

"James, you did the same thing to Snape," Remus reminded him.

"Oh, so I did."

Suddenly, Goyle started turning around by his scarf and Malfoy tripped on the legs of the fallen Crabbe.

"He screams like a girl," said Sirius.

"Hey!" said Peter out of the blue. "We're out of popcorn!"

Remus looked at him. "Yeah, for the last forty-five minutes or so," he said slowly, as if speaking to a five year old.

James and Sirius burst out laughing when Malfoy was pulled by his legs into the walkway of the Shrieking Shack.

"Oh, wow," chuckled James. "We have to try that on Snivellus."

"I want popcorn," insisted Peter, since no one had caught the hidden meaning of his last comment.

"Go get it," replied Sirius with his gaze fixed on the screen, and laughing at the freaked out Slytherins. "Yeah, you run away! You bloody wimps!"

"Look!" cried James, pointing at the screen where the threads hanging from Ron's hat started to move out of their own accord. "Ron's hat lives!"

"It's aliiive!" chorused Sirius.

"So is Hermione's hair," pointed Peter.

"Medusa strikes again! Dun dun duuuun!" screamed Sirius.

"_Harry!"_

"Harry?"

"Harry!?"

"HARRY!"

James laughed. "That he got from me!"

"What did he?"

"_Bloody hell, Harry. That was not funny."_

"If you're talking about scariness, then yes, he got that from you," replied Remus, watching on-screen Harry take the cloak off and laugh along with Hermione while Ron watched on, pale as death.

Sirius and Peter chuckled as James sent Remus a dirty look.

"Don't laugh, Sirius," grumbled James, pointing at the screen, where Sirius' wanted poster was being shown yet again. "That picture is still scarier."

"Wish they would stop showing that," groaned Sirius.

Remus and Peter sniggered. "Not a chance."

"Why are you even laughing at the camera in your prison photo?" asked Peter.

"And how should I know?" cried Sirius. "Perhaps you should ask Gary Oldman, since he's the one whose picture was taken!"

"Why are we back at this topic?" asked Remus.

"He brought it up," grumbled Sirius, pointing his thumb at James.

James gasped. "_Me? _It was the film!"

Sirius growled. "The film couldn't have brought it up! It's an inanimate object!"

"It's moving," pointed Peter unhelpfully.

"Fine," said James, rolling his eyes. "Then it was the director of the film."

Remus sighed. "You know what… I need a break. Let's get some popcorn, Wormtail."

The other three turned to look at him open-mouthed. "_You _are going to get sweets!?"

Remus lifted an eyebrow. "Yes?"

James, Sirius and Peter exchanged glances. "Have we any money?"

"Are you suggesting that I can't get that stuff for free like you did?" frowned Remus.

Sirius laughed. "Moony darling, dearest… I _know_ you can't get that stuff for free."

Remus' eyes glinted. "Is that a challenge?"

Sirius smirked. "Two Galleons you can't make it."

"Deal!"

The two boys shook hands and Remus strode out of the room with his head held high.

Sirius smirked. "He won't make it."

"Well I hope he does," said Peter. "I'd like some popcorn."


	12. Old Tales and Defeating Curtains

**A/N:** I won't go about making excuses for the long hiatus I put the story through, but if you must know, working on three stories, a boyfriend, and real life at the same time is hard. I had to choose, so sorry about that. And I loathe to ask this from you, but guys... remember this is my hobby, and lately college has reduced a lot of the time I had available for it :( Anyway... fifth semester is lighter than the last, so here we go again. As promised, I don't abandon my stories xP

* * *

**Chapter 12** - Old Tales and Defeating Curtains

* * *

"… _**hope business is good."**_

"_**It'd be a lot better if the Ministry wasn't sending dementors into my pub every other night!"**_

"_**We have a killer on the loose."**_

"I suppose that'd be me," commented Sirius with an eye roll.

"_**Sirius Black in Hogsmeade?"**_

"Been there before."

"_**And what would bring him here?"**_

Sirius shrugged. "Sweets, girls, Zonko's… take your pick."

James laughed.

On screen, the Minister got close to Madame Rosmerta.

"_**Harry Potter."**_

"_**Harry Potter?"**_

"Or Harry Potter," said Peter, tilting his head.

James shot Sirius a dirty look. "You better not…"

Sirius snorted. "Don't be silly, Prongs… what could I ever do to him, anyways? And if I do go looking for him, I'd fail! I mean… this is the third film. We have four more to go."

"Fair point."

Harry unexpectedly disappeared from the scene, apparently by donning his father's Invisibility Cloak. Hermione and Ron started turning around, frantically looking for him, until they spotted his footprints going for the door of The Three Broomsticks. They saw him bump into a man and keep walking.

"How rude," bristled Peter.

James raised an eyebrow at him. "Wormtail, if something you cannot see bumped into you, and out of nowhere you heard '_Sorry!_' wouldn't you freak out?"

"Aaaaah… maybe."

Sirius lifted his gaze to the ceiling. "Ah-ha…"

They saw the door to the Three Broomsticks open out of its own accord, making the inhabitants look confused. Next, they saw Hermione sprint after Harry followed closely by Ron, but when they reached the door it closed on their faces.

"_**No underage wizards allowed in today!"**_

"_**Shut the damn door!"**_

James flinched. "Hate those things…"

"_**So rude."**_

"_**Thick heads."**_

"You tell me," replied Peter.

"Wormtail?" frowned Sirius, poking the other boy's head. "You okay? Usually, people in films do not hold conversations with spectators."

"Hem, hem."

The three Marauders turned around to face the source of the noise, and nearly had a heart attack when they saw Remus standing before them loaded with popcorn and about every sweet available in the cinema.

"Bloody…" began Sirius.

"… Hell," finished James.

Remus smirked. "I believe I'm two Galleons richer this afternoon."

"But how?"

"It's a skill Padfoot, you are born with it, it cannot be taught," Remus winked mischievously.

"Don't steal my lines, Moony!"

"Listen, do you want this stuff or not? 'Cos you're going the wrong way about it!"

"Stop it!"

James laughed at him. "Get over it, Padfoot! We've got sweets for the rest of the week, I think! Pass them over, Moony old chum!"

Remus' smile grew as he sat down and began passing food around. "Ah, and that stuff in the cups is called soft drinks. Better than pumpkin juice, I must say. What happened on the film while I was gone?"

"Harry went into the Three Broomsticks and Prongs got scared with a couple of shrunken heads," answered Peter, since James and Sirius were too busy stuffing their mouths with popcorn. "Now Harry's following McGonagall, Fudge and Rosmerta to listen in on their conversation. Rude."

James and Sirius glared at him. "Not so!"

"Sorry, guys," said Remus. "But it is rude. Here… have a Mars Bar."

"Fine," huffed Sirius, taking the offered bar of still unknown sweet. "But I still want to know how you got all this."

"Later," replied Remus, turning back to the screen.

"_**Now, tell me what this is all about,"**_Rosmerta was saying.

"_**Years ago, when Harry Potter's parents realized they were marked for death- remember? They hid. Few knew where they were. One who did was Sirius Black. And he told You-Know-Who."**_

The Marauders sat stunned into sepulchral silence.

"_**Not only did Black lead him to the Potters that night, he also killed Peter Pettigrew!"**_

"_**Peter Pettigrew?**_

"_**A lump of a boy. Always trailing after Black."**_

"_**Peter tried to warn the Potters and might have, had he not run into an old friend, Sirius Black."**_

"_**He didn't kill Pettigrew. He destroyed him! A finger! That's all that was left."**_

"_**Now, Black may not have touched the Potters but he's the reason they're dead."**_

"_**I don't believe it. What could be worse?"**_

"_**This: Sirius Black was, and remains to this day, Harry Potter's godfather!"**_

As they watched Harry's horrified face, and the boy himself leaving the room, Sirius sat back, appalled. Slowly, he turned to look at James at a loss for words.

"James, I-you know I…"

James evaded his gaze and put a fist to his lips. Remus and Peter exchanged worried glances.

"Guys…" said Remus tentatively. "James?"

"What, Moony?"

"It's a film, remember?" mumbled Remus, trying to ease the sudden tension between his two friends. "We… we said we wouldn't take it seriously."

"Yeah," squeaked Peter, trying to help. "He killed me, too, remember? And I'm not holding it against him… these things might not even happen!"

James still evaded their gazes. "I know… I-I just need some time to… to get over it."

Sirius was shaking his head slowly. "James, I'm sorry!" he cried softly.

"It's fine, Sirius," replied James a bit forcefully, looking at the floor. "It's just a bloody film about our lives. Doesn't have to be real…"

"But, James…"

"Leave it, Sirius."

Sirius sank into his seat. "I'm sorry…" he insisted miserably. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

On screen, Hermione and Ron were following Harry's footprints in the snow and were led to a rather big rock in the middle of a forest. They could hear sniffling in the background; Hermione followed the sound all the way to the rock and reached out into thin air. The Invisibility Cloak came off Harry.

"_**Harry, what happened?"**_

"_**He was their friend… and he betrayed them. He was their friend! I hope he finds me; because when he does, I'm gonna be ready! When he does, I'm gonna kill him!"**_

Sirius shrunk in his seat. "Please, Harry, do. I deserve it."

"Don't be stupid, Padfoot," came James' voice. "You haven't done anything. You probably never will. Maybe they got their facts wrong?"

"But, James!" protested Sirius. "They just said I will betray you! Why don't you hate me?"

James rolled his eyes in exasperation and finally looked at Sirius full in the eyes. "Because it's a film, and you're my best mate. Personally, I'd rather believed my best mate."

"Had I ever told you what a wonderful person you are, Prongs?"

James pretended to think. "No. But now would be a good time to do so."

Remus shook his head at them and let out a sigh of relief. "You're so full of yourself."

"Why, of course, Moony!" replied James, as Sirius worshipped him.

"Moony!" cried Peter suddenly, pointing at the screen. "He's back!"

The four turned back to the screen. Remus groaned.

"_**Are you sure about this, Harry? This is very advanced magic well beyond the Ordinary Wizarding Level."**_

"This is Harry we're talking about, Moony; he can do anything, it seems," grumbled Sirius.

"Moony, who's your future interior decorator?" asked James. "Kind of old-fashioned, no? Who uses backbone-shaped candlesticks, for Merlin's sake?"

"Clear sign that he's the Child catcher," Sirius whispered conspicuously to James.

Remus sighed. "Here we go again…"

"You know, Moony…" began Peter, tilting his head. "From this angle it almost looks like your lip-animal's gone."

James grinned. "_Almost_ being the keyword."

Remus let his head fall into his hands.

"_**The spell I'm going to teach you is called the Patronus Charm. Did you ever hear of it?"**_

"_**No."**_

"Funny," commented Remus. "How Harry can manage to perform every spell that he has never heard of before."

"It is isn't it?" agreed James. "But being a natural does run in the family."

"_Cough_-liar-_cough_," said Sirius.

James shot him a dirty look.

"Whoa, Moony… you're tall," said Peter, as if seeing adult Remus for the first time.

"I think it's Harry that's a bit _small_," commented Sirius, giving James a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

James narrowed his eyes. "_What_ exactly are you suggesting, Black?"

"I'm not liking the double meaning of this conversation," muttered Remus.

"What double meaning?" asked Peter. "Why is it that I never get it?"

Remus tilted his head at him. "Do you _really_ want me to answer that?"

"_**For this spell to work, you need to think of a very happy memory, a very powerful memory. Can you do that?"**_

Harry nodded, and adult Remus smiled. _**"Close your eyes."**_

"No, Harry, don't!" called James unexpectedly. "Look at the candlesticks! He's the Child catcher!"

"I'm not the Child catcher!" protested Remus. "And much less a cannibal Child catcher."

"Isn't that the whole point of being a Child catcher?" asked Peter.

"Shut your trap, Peter."

James crossed his arms over his chest. "Then explain the backbones, Moony."

"Yeah," agreed Sirius, imitating James' posture. "We want to hear what's your excuse for such morbid decoration."

Remus opened and closed his mouth in the perfect imitation of a goldfish. "I've got a moustache! That's far more disturbing than backbone shaped candlesticks, I think!"

The other three exchanged glances.

"He's got a point, you know."

"Yeah…"

"Hear, hear!"

Remus sighed in relief. "Thank you!"

"_**You have a memory? Lose yourself within it. Then speak the incantation, Expecto Patronum."**_

"Sounds like you're giving Harry yoga lessons, my friend," commented Sirius.

"Breathe in, breathe out," added James, doing exactly that.

Sirius laughed. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose.

"_**Wand at the ready."**_

Sirius sniggered. "That sounds _waaay_ too inappropriate, my friend."

Remus growled. "Sirius, I'm warning you…"

Harry pulled out his wand and waited for Remus to open the chest.

"Feel the tension!" screamed Sirius.

"Sirius!"

"What the hell are you waiting for, Moony? Open the bloody chest!"

"Gimme a break!" complained Remus. "Or I won't tell you how I got the sweets," he threatened.

"No! Please don't!"

"Anything but that!"

"Then shut up and watch the film," growled Remus. James and Sirius nodded fearfully and turned their eyes back on the screen.

A wispy smoke started to filter through a crack in the chest and was soon followed by a boggart-dementor.

Peter squeaked. "Watch out, Harry! The flimsy curtain's out to get you!"

"Moony, is this your version of a torture chamber?" asked James. "I mean… the Child catcher, backbones, dementors…"

"And don't forget the 'tash," piped up Sirius. "The 'tash is very important."

Remus let out a strangled cry of frustration.

"_**Expecto Patronum!"**_

Nothing.

"_**Expecto… Expecto…"**_

"Still nothing," commented Peter.

"Sheesh, Moony, you're a terrible teacher," mumbled James.

"Has it crossed your mind that maybe Harry is a terrible student?" snapped Remus.

Sirius wailed.

James lifted his eyebrows. "_That _was below the belt, my friend."

Remus scoffed. "I know."

Harry fainted when he heard the screaming. The screen went black, leaving the Marauders in a momentary complete darkness.

"Spooky," commented Sirius.

"Cliff-hanger," added James.

"He's going to take advantage of Harry!" wailed Sirius suddenly. "Noooo!"

"Damn it, Sirius!"

Sirius collapsed into a fit of giggles.

"_**Come on. Deep breaths. I didn't expect you to do it the first time. That would have been remarkable. Here, have some chocolate."**_

"Don't!" warned Remus, when the words 'Child catcher' began forming in his friends' lips. They clicked their jaws shut.

"_**As a matter of interest, what were you thinking?"**_

"_**The first time I rode a broom."**_

"Are you serious?" deadpanned Sirius.

Adult Remus turned to stare at Harry with a 'you've-got-to-be-kidding-me' look.

"_**That's not good enough. Not nearly good enough."**_

"For once, I agree," said Peter.

"_**There's another. It's not happy, exactly. Well, it is. It's the happiest I've ever felt… but it's complicated."**_

"_**Is it strong?"**_

"Better be," said Remus.

Harry nodded.

"_**Do you feel ready?"**_

"_**Just do it."**_

James beamed. "Now that's determination, right there! You go, Harry, do your father proud!"

Sirius and Remus did their best not to exchange glances. The 'flimsy' curtain rose out of the chest again and hovered over Harry, it's cloak flapping in the wind that was coming from… nowhere?

"_**Expecto Patronum!"**_

"Nothing," commented Peter.

"Not helping, Wormtail," clicked James.

The dementor got closer to Harry

"_**EXPECTO PATRONUM!"**_

After an unexplained and uncontrollable shaking of the camera, a silvery substance like a funnel flashed from Harry's wand along with a gong-like sound, the would-be dementor's ragged breathing and, for some unexplainable reason, a chorus of women singing New Age in the background.

The funnel expanded into some sort of gigantic silver plate between Harry and the Dementor… whose robes were still flapping though there was no wind.

"It's Dementor for dinner tonight, boys," squeaked Sirius in a grandmotherly voice. Peter laughed.

James eyes had gone wide. "He did it. I wonder what his memory was? 'Cause he really did it! And on his second try!"

"I dunno, Prongs," said Remus, with mock concern. "You know, with screen-time and all, I wonder if he really did it in that short period of time or if the director just wanted to get it over with."

James shot his smirking friend a dirty look.

Sirius sniggered. "Look at your reaction, Moony," he said, laughing at 'tash-man's laughter and the look on his face as he cried _**'Yes!'**__. _"Looks like you're smoking Harry's Patronus!"

Remus frowned and threw a Mars Bars at Sirius' head.

"_**Well done, Harry! Well done!"**_cried adult Remus when the boggart/dementor was finally back inside the trunk.

"_**I think I've had enough for today."**_

"_**Yes. Sit down. Here…"**_

"Let me guess," cut Sirius. "Have some chocolate?"

"_**Eat this. It'll help."**_

All but Remus laughed when 'tash-man gave Harry yet another piece of chocolate.

"… _**I think you would've given your father a run for his money."**_James looked offended by this._**"And that is saying something."**_

"Aaww, thanks 'tash-man," said James, patting Remus' arm.

Remus glared lightly at him and grimaced. "If not for the 'tash-man comment, I would have said thank you."

James tilted his head to the side. "And I would have said… 'You're welcome'."

Sirius and Peter burst out laughing at the look of despair in Remus' face.

"_**I was thinking of him. And Mum."**_

"Sweeeeet," commented Sirius. Whether he was referring to Harry's quote or the lollipop he was licking remained uncertain.

"_**Seeing their faces. They were talking to me. Just talking."**_

'Tash-man's face at this point was one of bafflement. His eyes were practically popping out of his skull.

"_**That's the memory I chose."**_

James whimpered. "I can't believe that's Harry's happiest memory."

"_**I don't even know if it's real. But it's the best I have."**_

Sirius stared at his lollipop with disgust. "Too sweet for such a moment," he mumbled, stowing it away and leaning back on his seat.

"I'm in for doing the Dursleys in," commented Peter out of nowhere.

James grimaced. "Thanks Wormtail, that didn't make any sense, but thanks all the same."

Remus rolled his eyes. "He means we're going to do the Dursleys in, so they don't get their paws on Harry."

"I know what he meant, Moony," replied James.

"Well, I don't know what _you _mean," retaliated Remus.

Peter stared at them. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Remus smacked him. "It meant what it was supposed to mean."

"What do you mean by that?" asked James.

Sirus took a deep breath. "It means that Moony meant what he meant when Wormtail asked him what he meant when he said 'It meant what it was supposed to mean,' which means that Moony didn't know what Prongs meant when he said he knew what Wormtail meant when he said he would do the Dursleys in, because at first Prongs said he didn't know what Wormtail meant even though he knew what he did mean. Know what I mean?"

There was a deafening silence among the four as James, Remus and Peter stared at Sirius trying to process what he'd just said, and the camera zoomed out behind Harry and 'tash-man's backs.

The old man behind them stirred and cried, "What?"

Remus spared the bloke a glance. "Couldn't have put it better myself."


	13. Pawprints From the Grave

Chapter 13 – Pawprints From the Grave

* * *

Again there was a switch in scenes and the six occupants of the cinema went back to watching the screen, an unspoken truce between them that stated they would forget any weird comments made by Sirius until that moment. Now the camera focused on the Golden Trio walking out of the castle with an enormous pendulum swinging in the background.

"_Beautiful day, isn't it?"_

"_Gorgeous. Unless of course you've been ripped to pieces."_

"_Ripped to pieces? What are you talking about?"_

James smirked. "Remember that old hat Ron used to wear? Horrible jersey he's wearing, by the way."

"Yeah?" replied Sirius.

"_Ronald has lost his rat."_

"_I haven't! Your cat killed him!"_

"So much for hats, Jim," commented Sirius. "Could be Peter's cousin who died and you're making fun of it!"

Peter bristled. "I'm human, Sirius," he chimed.

"Be quiet, Padfoot," chastised James. "Remember we agreed not to break the truth on him until he was old enough?"

Sirius tilted his head to the side in confusion. Then he got it and his eyes widened. "You're right! Oh Christ in a dinghy! What have I done?"

Remus looked scandalized and covered Peter's ears with his hands. "Quiet, both of you! Let's just pretend nothing happened, and Pete might get over it."

Peter struggled to free himself from Remus and listen clearly to their conversation, but Remus held fast.

"I mean," continued Remus, "look at what you have already done to him. Probably killed a couple hundred neurons in his brain…"

Sirius grimaced. "But a rat's brain can't have over a hundred neurons to begin with, Moony!"

"_HUSH!_" cried James, placing a hand over his best friend's mouth. "Do you want to scar him for life? Oh! Look at the pretty rock, Petey!" he said suddenly, pointing at the screen. "Like that?"

Remus let go of Peter's ears and they turned to the screen. Peter's eyes widened at the huge rocks skimming over the surface of the lake. "I've always wanted to do that! But each time I tried the rocks would sink…"

The other three boys rolled their eyes and moved on to the conversation between Hagrid and the trio… speaking of some hearing.

"… _said how Buckbeak was a good Hipogriff, always cleaned his feathers. And then Lucius Malfoy stood up. He said Buckbeak was a dangerous creature…"_

"… that likes attacking petty snakes with bleached hair," completed James condescendingly. The other three laughed.

"Bleached?"

"Haven't you seen Malfoy's hair? It's like a bloody beacon."

"I swear all that bleach _must _be harmful…"

"Well, I'm hoping it is…"

All four laughed again.

"_He asked for the worst then."_

"_They're not sacking you!"_

"_No, I'm not sacked."_

Sirius let out a sigh of relief and sat back, sipping his drink. "Well, at least we've got that."

"_Buckbeak's been sentenced to death!"_

Sirius spit most of the liquid in his mouth in shock, and showered James with it.

"WHAT!"

James looked too disgusted to reply, but Remus sighed. "What else could we expect from a Malfoy?"

"He's a bloody rat!" claimed Sirius. "An accursed son of a-no, wait, a son of a nobody because he has no mother! Filthy little crawling creature from the bowels of-" Sirius then set himself the task of coming up with as many insults as he could to describe the Slytherin, none of them pretty but Nobel-like in creativity.

James, grumbling under his breath, was about to reach for his wand and wipe off the mess Sirius had made of him, and then he remembered the Muggle couple behind them and cursed. "Moony, you got anything I can clean myself with?"

"Huh?" said Remus, looking back from the screen. The camera was now touring the halls of Hogwarts castle in the middle of the night, as well as the Gryffindor common room.

James was tapping his fingers on the armrest while Sirius still went on cursing. "A tissue? You got any?"

"-and then I'll carve out his heart with a spoon! But not any spoon, no! A spoon that's already rusty and particularly blunt edged so he feels the pain! And then-"

"Here you go, Prongs," said Peter, offering him one of his own tissues.

James pulled a face. "No thanks, Wormtail…" he said, staring suspiciously at a dark spot smeared across the white cloth. "I'll take Moony's, but thanks all the same."

Peter shrugged and Moony chuckled as James took the hanky from Remus' hand.

"-and pull it out, twist in a knot and put it back in through his-"

"Right, Pads, that's quite enough," said Remus.

Sirius put up his hands. "No, no, no, Moony… this is a good one, don't interrupt… where was I? Ah, yes! And I'll put it back in through his-"

Remus sighed and winced in horror when Sirius proceeded to describe all manners of torture that he wanted to put Lucius through.

James finished wiping his face and frowned at Sirius. "Really, mate, that's enough… let's watch the film now."

"-and finally I'll make him eat a toad infected with the Black Death!"

Sirius' last sentence brought about a ringing silence, his heavy breathing the only sound in the entire cinema.

James and Remus exchanged awkward glances and turned back to the screen. Harry was looking through the Marauder's Map.

"_Spiders! There's-There's spiders. Spiders. They want me to tap-dance. I don't wanna tap-dance!"_

"_You tell those spiders, Ron!"_

"_Yeah! Yeah… I'll—I'll tell them…"_

The four blinked at the now snoring redhead. James was the first to recover.

"That was… eh…"

Remus scratched the back of his head.

"Random?" suggested Sirius.

"That's the one! _Does that label say Peter Pettigrew!_"

Peter choked on his popcorn.

"But, isn't he supposed to be dead?" cried Sirius.

"He will be, if someone doesn't thump him on his back," warned Remus. "He's freaking choking on that yellow stuff."

James' breath caught in his throat before he began hitting Peter's back. The smaller boy heaved and spat out a dab of pink… _something_.

Sirius recoiled at the sight of it. "That's disgusting! Who spits out their own brain, for Merlin's sake!"

James furrowed his nose as he studied the gooey pink stuff from afar. "Ew, Wormtail. I didn't know brains could be so small… or could be choking hazards, for that matter."

Remus slapped his forehead. "That's not his brain, you brainless idiots. You could never _spit out _a brain. It has no connection whatsoever to the throat. The ancient Egyptians-"

"Moony," cut Sirius, still looking quite disgusted. "If this has to do with mummies and organs I certainly don't want to hear it."

"But it's fascinating!" insisted Remus, looking at Peter wheeze. "They used to take this hook-like tool and stick it into the body's nose and-"

"_Moony!_"

Remus lifted his arms in mock surrender. "Peace! I didn't know you had such a weak stomach, Padfoot."

"He doesn't," chirped James. "He's just got _mummy_ issues, get it?"

Sirius slapped him over the head and Remus laughed.

"Stop making fun of my boggart, Potter!"

James smirked at him. "How could I?"

"Film?" croaked Peter. His throat was still raw from choking on 'his brain'. "Please? There's a slight chance I might be alive and I want to know if I am."

"But if you're alive…" contemplated Sirius, "… _then who the blazes did I kill?_" he asked, as they watched snoring portraits being showered with light from Harry's wand, who had gotten up to investigate.

James shrugged. "Dunno. You could have killed a rat disguised as Wormtail here. The similarities are striking. But really… what _is _that stuff that came from your mouth?"

Peter mumbled something to the floor.

"Didn't catch that?"

"I said bubblegum," confessed Peter. "I tried eating popcorn with it in my mouth, and I swallowed the whole thing."

The other three gave him odd looks.

"Ew?" said Sirius. He shuddered and his eyes went back to the screen.

"Ew, indeed," agreed James, following his best friend's example.

Back on screen, Harry was staring at a dark corridor that seemed to be completely empty. But, of course, it was dark so….

Sirius screamed.

James, Remus and Peter jumped out of their skins.

"What?" cried James. "What is it?"

Sirius sniffed. "Nothing. Just thought I should add to the suspense."

The other three groaned and James scowled at his friend.

On screen, Harry was looking back at the Marauder's Map with increasing alarm. It showed Peter's footprints getting closer to his own little feet, but the corridor continued to be deserted.

"Feel the tension!"

"Sirius! For Christ's sake shut up!"

"I can't help it!"

"You're pathetic…"

"Come on, Harry, be brave!"

"Kick that rat's furry arse!"

"Hey!"

"Sorry, Pete," apologized Remus. "I got caught up in the moment."

"This is creepy!" announced Sirius, as the music got closer to a crescendo.

"Sirius, behind you!"

"What!" cried Sirius, turning around and staring wildly in every direction. "Who's there? Show yourself!"

Remus let his face fall into is hands. "Sirius, I was kidding. There's nothing behi-"

Sirius shrieked. "This is a conspiracy, isn't it? Who are you? What have you done to Moony?"

On screen, Harry was turning around, looking out for Pettigrew and instead yelled when he saw his own reflection on a mirror.

James and Sirius screamed. Peter hid his face behind his popcorn. Remus let his head fall onto his arms rest. Repeatedly.

"He's still there!" Sirius called to on-screen-Harry, who was looking wildly around as Pettigrew had just passed him. "He was just behind me a moment ago! Find him, Harry! Save me!"

James dug his fingernails into his armrests. "Sirius, he's in the film. He couldn't possibly be behind you."

"But Moony said-"

"Merlin's Y-fronts," groaned Remus. "A moment ago I was an impostor!"

Sirius nodded. "And a very good one, at that."

"What?"

"Look!" cried James, pointing at the screen. "Peter's turning the corner."

Peter looked taken-aback. "I'm right here!"

James growled. "Not you _you. You!_" he said, pointing at the screen.

"But I-"

"Oh, spare me," grumbled Remus, sinking into his seat.

"_Watch it there, boy."_

"_We're trying to sleep here!"_

"_Yes, we are!"_

The camera focused back on the map and on Pettigrew's escaping little footprints, leading the tag with his name away from Harry's.

"Going… going…" mumbled Sirius. "Gone!" he cried at last, making the other three jump.

James growled. "Padfoot was it really necessary to- _Snivellus!_"

Sirius looked around wildly. "What? Where! Is he here? Is it contagious?"

Remus hit the other boy across the top of his head. "On the film, Padfoot! His name's on the map!"

On screen, Harry whirled around to stare into the darkness and muttered, _"Mischief Managed. Nox!" _and the screen was left in complete darkness for a moment…

"You know…" mused Remus. "I think he might just make it…"

… and then it lit up again thanks to the tip of Snape's wand.

"… or maybe not," finished Sirius dryly.

"_Potter! What are you doing wandering the corridors at night?"_

"Why, waiting for you, darling, of course," replied Sirius in a squeaky, definitely girlish, voice. "Remember that moonlit walk by the lake you promised me?"

James turned green and turned to look at Sirius with repulsion. "What in the sweet name of Merlin is wrong with you!"

"You know," said Peter. "Snivellus coming from the dark like that just reinforces the theory that he's really a bat."

Remus shook his head. "All this insanity and now Peter saying smart comments... I swear nothing will ever surprise me again!"

"_I was sleepwalking."_

Sirius, Remus and Peter burst out laughing and James seethed.

"It's a perfectly valid excuse!" he cried in Harry's defence.

"_How extraordinarily like your father you are, Potter."_

Remus chuckled. "For once I have to agree with Snivellus," he said. "Remember that time, Sirius, when James woke us all up in the middle of the night because he fell down the stairs?"

Sirius roared with laughter. "Yes, yes! He was dreaming Lily was trapped in a castle, and he had to ride a niffler and go rescue her! Too bad the niffler couldn't carry you down the stairs, eh Jim?" he added, elbowing James with an evil smirk.

"And then he got up and tried to climb the stairs to the girls' dorm, remember?" piped up Peter. "He thought the Giant Squid was guarding the entrance!"

Sirius wiped a tear off his eye. "Away ye scoundrel!'" he cried, repeating sleepwalking-James' dialogue to the sound of Remus' laughter. "Ye evil poof won't stop me! Nothing will stand between-"

James slapped a hand over Sirius' mouth and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please spare me the details!" he begged.

"_He, too, was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle."_

"_My dad didn't strut. And neither do I."_

Sirus laughed against James' hand and James grimaced.

"Arry fobsly int ow yew!" cried Sirius through James' fingers.

James raised his eyebrows and asked, "What did you say?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ah seh-"

James took his hand off Sirius' mouth and hit him on the back of his head. "Wait until my hand's off, you idiot!"

Sirius scowled at him and rubbed the back of his head. "I said: Harry obviously didn't know you!"

"Which side are you on?" snapped James.

"The winning one," replied Sirius with a winning smile.

James was about to strangle him when they heard Snape's voice again and froze.

"_Turn out your pockets."_

"Son of a banshee," muttered Remus slowly. "He's going to find the map!"

"No he won't," said Peter uncertainly. "He can't… right?"

James shook his head confidently. "We protected it too well. He's wasting his time," he assured them, watching Harry pull out the offending parchment.

"_What's this?"_

"_Spare piece of parchment."_

"_Really? Open it."_

On screen, Harry obliged and Snape put the tip of his wand on the paper.

"_Reveal your secrets."_

At once, spidery handwriting began stretching across the parchment, forming words that the public didn't quite have time to read.

"_Read it," _ordered Snape.

"Oh boy…" mumbled Remus, biting his lip.

"Hold your blasphemous tongue, Moony," said James, biting the inside of his cheek nonetheless.

"_Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs…"_

"That's us!" cried Sirius happily.

"Shhh!" hushed him the other three.

"… _offer their compliments to professor Snape and…"_

James tilted his head to the side. "Why did he stop?"

"_Go on," _prompted Snape.

Harry looked up and raised his eyebrows at Snape. _"And request he keeps his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."_

The four marauders roared with laughter and slapped each other's backs in congratulations.

"Oh my god, I love that map!" cried James breathlessly.

Sirius couldn't speak –he was laughing too hard- but agreed with James whole-heartedly.

"_You insolent little-"_

"_Professor!"_

"Oh no," moaned Remus, turning back to the screen.

The other three laughed some more.

"Da-da-da-daaaa! The child-catcher comes to the rescue!" yelled Sirius, collapsing into another fit of hysterical giggles.

"_Well, well. Lupin."_

James snickered. "The walking 'tash makes his appearance! Just in time, too, Moony old pal."

Remus grumbled something on the back of his throat and threw his supposed friends a killing glare.

"_Harry. You okay?"_

On-screen Harry nodded.

"_That remains to be seen," _drawled Snape, suddenly reaching forward and snatching the map out of Harry's hands. _"I have now just confiscated a rather curious artefact from Mr. Potter."_

"No shit, Sherlock!" gasped Sirius with mock surprise. "Considering you so rudely snatched it from Harry a mere millisecond ago, I'd say you just confiscated it, yes!"

The others laughed.

"_Take a look, Lupin. Supposed to be your area of expertise."_

Remus sniggered. "You have no idea…"

"_Clearly it's full of Dark Magic."_

"_I seriously doubt it, Severus," _said on-screen Remus with a smirk. _"It looks to me like it's just a parchment designed to insult anyone who tries to read it."_

"Among other things," added Remus, nodding at his counterpart approvingly.

Sirius, James and Peter gave him disbelieving glances.

"Did you just finish one of 'tashman's phrases, Moony?"

Moony opened his mouth to reply and froze, a horrified expression taking over. "Ow, sweet Merlin… what is wrong with me!"

"_Nevertheless, I shall investigate any hidden qualities it may posses. It is, after all, as you say, my area of expertise. Harry would you come with me, please? Professor, good night."_

James sat up in his seat. "No Harry! Don't listen to him! He's the child-catcher! Get away from him!"

Remus settled for rubbing his temples irritably. "This is getting a bit old, don't you think?"

The other three laughed. "Never!"


End file.
